Drove the Eagles to the goal line but the goal was denied...

I would love to sit here today and bitch and moan about Andy Reid's idiocy. The goal line futility. The lack of a fullback. The decision to jettison T.O. The refusal to use Buck or Baskett or Avant or Celek. The fact that Schobel and Considine and G-Lew still have jobs. But Doc Terry and the Greystone Ramblers do a better job than I would, and they do it in song! I give you "Andy Reid Bye:"
Click me for the rest!

You called down the thunder, well now you've got it!

Dear Mascot Formerly Known as Raymond,

You got what you fucking deserved. First of all, as the mascot for a team which has absolutely no fans and has to resort to giving out cowbells to get the few poor schmucks stuck with free Rays tickets to make a minimal amount of bullshit noise, you obviously didn't do a very good job. But much more importantly, for you, as a self-respecting member of the mascot community, to even repeat such a sentiment as that you "out-enthused" the Phillie Phanatic is grounds to be barred from ever donning an oversized feathered suit again. You're a disgrace to your former profession and you will not, by any stretch of the imagination be missed. Until, of course, the Rays start to blow again early next season and the stands are empty. But until then, good fucking riddance. Perhaps now you'll have time to watch footage of the green giant from the Galapagos Islands in action, and realize you were never in the same league.

Love,
Mgmt. Click me for the rest!

John Lynch is a moron

Dear John,

While I concede you had a very accomplished NFL career, full of accolades and the adoration of millions of fans nationwide, I've never liked you one fucking bit. Even before you were the worst "good" player on a great Bucs defense which shattered my optimism for all eternity, I thought were an overrated cockstain whose reputation was built on a handful of bonecrunching hits and ignored the fairly high frequency with which you attempted to knock a dude's head off and just bounced right off of him. That said, I was perfectly happy to acknowledge that you deserved to be in the hall of fame the other day. However, if you want to retire as both a Buc and a Bronco I have no choice but to view the two John Lynches as separate, distinct individuals, neither of whom warrants consideration for a bust in Canton. Enjoy your life of solitude without the Hall, sucka!

Love,
Mgmt. Click me for the rest!

Dear World: learn to fucking read

To everyone who has flamed my Examiner article about Baseball Prospectus, including the one whose comment I deleted today: read the fucking article before you miss the point. I never said stats aren't an accurate representation of what happened IN THE PAST or that they're useless, or even that they don't aid in making an educated guess at the future. I just pointed out that while predicting what will happen over the course of a baseball season always ends up boiling down to a crap shoot, fivethirtyeight.com made political predictions an actual science. Stop acting like I dissed your beloved Nate Silver. All I said is that if they need to be prognosticating, they should perhaps find a field they have a better chance of predicting accurately.

Love,
Mgmt. Click me for the rest!

Nothing is fucked? The goddamn plane has crashed into the mountains!

Well, kiddos, the mother of all fucking catastrophes is about to strike the city of Philadelphia. With the Phils holding a commanding 3-1 lead in the NLCS, the city of brotherly love's thoughts have started to shift forward to the World Series. Lo and behold, Mayor Michael Nutter is reportedly considering making the same ridiculous mistake this city has been making for 15 years. He's thinking about putting the jersey on William Penn. I don't even know what else to say, except that this clearly cannot be allowed to happen. I need game plans, folks, how the fuck are we going to stop this from occurring?

edit: nothing is fucked. The mayor's office issued a form letter and some dude from Modell's is on WIP swearing there will be no dressing up of William Penn. Now back to regular programming. Click me for the rest!

Further proof that our world is doomed...

So, the world's most annoying no-talent assclown is at it again. Am I the only one who remembers that the last time we devoted any attention to this dickwad, he was not only a complete and utter waste of time, he also FAILED. For christ's sake, as Chris Rock put it, this is a trickless fucking magician. And one who can't even achieve the ridiculous things he sets out to achieve. He literally wouldn't get past the first round of America's Got Talent...much as i love that show, this isn't exactly the Metropolitan Opera we're discussing. I'm not going to sit here and say I want any ill to befall him, but I beg of you world, when he fails again (i'm praying because his catheter bursts and covers his entire head and torso in urine) let this be the last time anyone is desperate enough to draw a crowd to actually grant this asshole the space or time of day necessary to suck so badly at life. Click me for the rest!

I know I missed this one by a few months, but...wow.

What can one possibly say to this except holy shit, a football player who knows how to write. Who cares if it's terrible writing? He can do it! Click me for the rest!