What follows is an angry letter I'll probably never send...
Dear Red Mango, Bakery Formerly Known as Beard Papa, handful of delis in my "neighborhood," and surely an army of other PinkBerry knockoffs,
Look, I understand what's going on here. PinkBerry is fucking delightful. Truly wonderful stuff. Every time I take even a little bite of it, I'm reminded of what King Gustav V of told Jim Thorpe: "you, sir, are the greatest athlete in the world." So it makes complete sense to me that you'd all feel the need to start selling frozen yogurt (which, for the uninitiated, is not Frozen Yogurt...it's normal yogurt but frozen and served from a soft serve ice cream machine) but for christ's sake, must you do literally everything exactly as PinkBerry does? The list of toppings was not brought down by Moses from Mt. Sinai. I doubt if you strayed slightly from it there'd be any kind of serious consequences, perhaps luring in customers with the promise of something not available at any of the other bullshit knockoffs: FUCKING PEACH. For God's sake what does a guy have to do? It's summer! Peaches and cream! Need I say fucking more?
Love,
Mgmt.
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