An Educated Derelict

This is the most fun part of the twitter client Brizzly

2009-11-02T00:21:00.004-05:00

I get to explain trends!

Joba: "Joba is a pitcher for the New York Yankees with a severely cum-stained hat. He allowed a game-tying home run to Pedro Feliz Sunday night before his team eventually capitalized on Brad Lidge's asphyxiation."

Brad Lidge: "Brad Lidge is a somewhat inconsistent closer with a fragile psyche, who, after getting two quick outs, was burned by a great at bat for a hit which lead to an unnecessary defensive shift, which allowed two stolen bases on one play, which lead to Lidge's implosion and gave the Yankees a commanding 3-1 world series lead."

2009-11-02T00:10:00.003-05:00

Worse than Ronde. Worse than Jacksonville. Worse than Brad Richards. Worse than Joe Carter. Worse than Scott Stevens. This was our black friday. This was Blue Sunday, the worst day in at least 31 years of Philadelphia sports.

"We know the score, we're gonna break down your door."

2009-10-28T11:50:00.003-04:00

Weather permitting, which, looking out my window this morning, seems like a pretty ridiculous idea, we're just eight hours away now from first pitch of the World Series. Through a haze of sophomoric sportswriting on both sides of the Mercer-Middlesex line, dueling armies of trashtalking tweeters taking cheap shot after cheap shot at each other's cities, and a startling dearth of actual analysis of the upcoming Fall Classic, we can finally just about see our way to a baseball game this evening. And just like every series we've seen the Phillies play in the last two Octobers, the biggest advantage held by either team lurks under the radar, perched just atop the railing of the Phillies' dugout.

When average Joes, young and old alike, press the panic button, reaching deep into their scouting reports for guidance instead of allowing the game to present itself to them, instead of giving their players a chance to play, and win, the game for themselves (see: Aceves, Alfredo, ALCS game 3), it echoes down through the team. Charlie Manuel's calm, on the other hand, and his belief that his players can bail him out should his undying faith in every one of his players be misplaced, define this team. Charlie won't outthink himself, and he won't let his players either. It's wonderful to have the best lineup in baseball, which the Phillies do, and to play stellar defense, which the Phillies do, but what makes them a championship team is their mentality. It's what makes the Phillies the toughest team in baseball, and it's what is going to eventually win them this series in six games.

Week 7 revisited

2009-10-27T11:57:00.004-04:00

The Eagles' less than impressive victory in Washington mercifully over with, week 7 of the 2009 NFL season is now in the books. My preseason picks, which every day seem sillier and sillier, went 9-4 this week, bringing my record to 73-30 for the season. On to the reflections and the rankings:

Lessons learned from Games I Missed
Buffalo at Carolina: I think everyone learned weeks ago that Carolina was a pretty shitty team, and everyone with their heads anywhere other than their asses always knew Buffalo was one. What's there to learn from this game other than that Ryan Fitzpatrick's brand of mediocrity may be slightly more efficient than Trent Edwards'?

Jets at Oakland: This was one of those games I would've never picked this way if I made the picks this week. Before the season, I thought the Raiders would be the second best team out west at 7-9. Nothing special, but I figured Jamarcus Russell would show some improvement, McFadden and Bush would make for a nice backfield tandem, and their defense would be just good enough to carry them to a handful of wins over teams like Denver and KC. Moreover, I thought the Jets would have a lot of problems offensively and perhaps defensively as well if Sexy Rexy's scheme didn't take hold quickly. Clearly, I know better than all that now. So what did I learn from this game? That even with a quarterback feeling queasy on the sidelines and your most explosive player going out for the season right off the bat due to a naaaaasty injury, there IS ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING EXCUSE TO EVER LOSE TO THE OAKLAND RAIDERS! Jamarcus Russell is still the worst quarterback in football, McFadden is still invisible, their defense is still a bunch of tackling dummies, and Tom Cable, charged with assault or not, is a pathetic excuse for an NFL head coach, hired by a senile old man purely because he was weak enough to be dominated. In other words, I learned, as I already knew, just how disgustingly fucking pathetic the Eagles' loss to Oakland was.

Chicago at Cincinnati: For starters, I owe the Bengals an apology. I declared last week that the wheels were beginning to come off in Cincy, after an uninspired effort both offensively and defensively, in Houston, and a down week for the NFL's leading rusher, Cedric Benson. Clearly, I was wrong. It boggles the mind to think, but after all those years of bungling their way to mediocrity, Marvin Lewis seems to really have his team's ear. I can't really say I'm learning anything seeing Jay Cutler do his usual dance between great games and horrid ones. Being a Chargers apologist of the highest order outside legitimate Charger fans, I've seen this movie plenty of times before.

Cardinals at Giants: The Giants certainly haven't shown well against good competition the last two weeks. Eli played his second straight bad game, which tickles me fuckin pink. Brandon Jacobs gained 76 yards and scored a touchdown to put up easily his best game of the season, but carried the ball a grand total of 13 times, as the G-Men made me seriously wonder if Andy Reid was doing a guest play calling stint, throwing the ball 37 times against just 25 runs. If not for the the Yankees clinching the pennant and the "sportswriters" acting like it's amateur hour at Caroline's, there would probably be some pretty intense heat coming down on Tom Coughlin for totally abandoning his offensive philosophy in a game in which he never trailed by more than 10 points. Why on earth, given how god awful Eli looked Sunday, would you pick that night to throw the ball 60% of the time? It isn't as if the Cardinals were dicing them to pieces, as they're sometimes prone to do. Kurt Warner completed just barely better than 15% of his passes, and the Cards couldn't muster any kind of a running game despite seeing pass coverage looks all night. So, ole red face, you might wanna give Mariano Rivera a call and perhaps send him a fruit basket for keeping the hounds off your moronic ass for a minute, because there is no explanation for that kind of idiocy.

Power Rankings

1. Saints - I genuinely don't believe there's a defense that can stop this offense when they need to score. Let me be the first I know of to say it: I could see this team staying undefeated all the way through the regular season.

2. Colts - Peyton didn't throw for 300 yards this week, for the first time all season, but still managed to emerge victorious from his third straight bye week. Things get marginally tougher the next couple of games with San Francisco and Houston coming to town, but let's be honest: even Peyton is probably getting anxious for his annual showdown with the Patriots in week 10, just so he can see something resembling competition.

3. Vikings - I know they lost. Common sense should dictate that I put the team that beat them, who were only a few spots back last week, ahead of them. But here's what I saw: two drives that likely would've won the game for the Vikings ended in the 4th quarter by long turnover returns for touchdown. Those are what we like to call "freak plays," especially the second one, a screen pass to the normally sure-handed Chester Taylor for what would have almost surely been a first down if he held on, which bounced right off of Taylor's hands, past his blockers, into the waiting arms of Kieran Fox. Play that 4th quarter 9 more times and I genuinely believe we wouldn't see another Steelers win.

4. Broncos - Common sense also dictates that the Broncos can't slide on their bye week. I'm not putting them ahead of Minnesota right now because, honestly, I still think Minnesota would rip the Broncos to shreds right now if you put them on the same field. So the guys in the bumblebee uniforms stay put for the moment.

5. Patriots - There were a few minutes, before the Bucs scored their lone touchdown in London, when the Patriots lead their last two opponents by a combined 80-0. Anyone wanna doubt Brady's knee or Belichick's scheme anymore? Their upcoming bye week is gonna give them the most competition they've seen in weeks. It should at least be interesting to see how things play out when the Dolphins head to Boston on Sunday, but given the Dolphins' likely fragile state of mind after blowing a big lead to the Saints, and the fact that Belichick has had 10 months to think about the fact that he let the wildcat-happy Dolphins beat him twice last year en route to winning the division, I'd be more surprised to see a close game than an absolute annihilation.

6. Steelers - They knocked off the previously undefeated Vikings, which made me thoroughly happy both because I have their defense in fantasy and the Vikings make me as angry as anyone or anything on earth right now, but objectively, what I saw was a defense that played the best 3 quarters I've seen them play all season, and still couldn't manage to stop the Vikings when it counted, if not for Chester Taylor failing to catch a screen pass. I could give a shit less about common sense, power rankings are about what teams I think are better than others, and right now, I think the Steelers got a lucky win against a better team.

7. Bengals - Last week, I ranked them by default. This week, I'm genuinely impressed. Not that there was any individual aspect of their win this week that stood out as something I didn't think them capable of, unless you count resiliency. I figured they'd crumble, as they always have, at the first sign of adversity, coming off their loss to the Texans and finding themselves suddenly tied with a Steelers team they'd beaten just a few weeks ago atop the AFC North. I was wrong, and for the second time, I apologize to the Bengals for underestimating their toughness, both mental and physical.

8. Cardinals - It wasn't a visually impressive performance, but that's all the more reason I respect it so much. The Cardinals went on the road and won a tough, grind it out sort of game against a good team, something which I literally didn't think they were capable of doing. Not even a little bit. If they can mix a couple of these sorts of games in with their typical 100+ passer rating 30 point home performances, there's nothing I can see standing in the way of a repeat as NFC West champs.

9/10. Giants/Eagles - It's a Philly/New York week, though suffice it to say the showdown for the NFC East lead is buried on the undercard for once. But with the two teams set to meet Sunday, and neither doing a damn thing over the last two weeks to inspire much confidence at all, there's really no reason to pretend I can tell the difference between them right now. They're both superbly talented teams, but neither of them can manage to play like it consistently, be it the Giants playing like midgets against the first couple of good teams they've seen this year, or the Eagles doing so against a couple of garbage teams. One of these teams will stay in the top 10 next week, the other one absolutely will not.

Week 6 revisited

2009-10-21T11:26:00.003-04:00

My picks took a slight step back this week, from 11-3 in week 5 to 10-4 in week 6, bringing my overall record to 64-26. I'd like to be pleased with my picks this week, but three of the four games I missed involved the three teams which own my heart. Still, for preseason picks, I'd have to say my record has been beyond acceptable so far. On to the self-flagellation!

Lessons Learned from Games I Missed

Kansas City at Washington: I learned that even with my back literally turned to it for the entirety of the game, a football game can still bore me to death. Just knowing that that putrid display of heartless schmucks masquerading as NFL teams was going on behind me was enough to make me want to stop watching football. Todd fucking Collins played half of that game at quarterback, didn't even surpass Jason Campbell's 89 passing yards, and his team lost by a total of 8 points. Why? Because the Chiefs are every bit as bad. 6 field goals, and a last-minute safety, that's all your scoring in this game. I'm all for defensive struggles, but not when they're happening by default. It's just so sad that the Eagles are inevitably going to lose to the Redskins at some point this year.

Buffalo at NY Jets: As the second half of this game started, right about the moment the Eagles were finishing up their performance as tackling dummies at Raiders defensive practice, Michelle was ripping poor Mark Sanchez apart, despite a Jets halftime lead, for his struggles with the wind. At the time, I didn't really have much of a response, other than to say "he's a rookie from Cali, what do you expect on the first wintry Sunday of the year?" Since then, I've had some time to think, and I've come up with a better response. Eli Manning, Super Bowl winner, looked every bit as bad as Sanchez in the divisional playoffs last year against the Eagles. As did Brett Favre, Super Bowl winner, in the NFC Championship Game the previous year against the Giants. There are two common threads in all of these games: heavy winds, and immense amounts of pressure on the quarterbacks. It's easy to blame the wind, and to make fun of Sanchez, and there's probably some validity to it. But pressure makes every quarterback look bad, and until I see Sanchez missing open receivers on a windy day despite having time, I'm holding off on that. Truth be told, the biggest reason the Jets lost the game had nothing to do with the offense, and will likely be the biggest reason their season goes in the tank from here: Kris Jenkins left the game and was lost for the season, and immediately, the Bills started owning time of possession, field position, and the scoreboard. Unless the Jets can find a very, very large, very, very strong man to take his place, Sexy Rexy's defense is probably gonna get gashed by opposing running backs on a weekly basis.

Denver at San Diego: Despite my strongest hopes, I didn't really think the Chargers had much of a chance going into this game. They've proven themselves, on a weekly basis, to be a defense which just isn't capable of tackling anyone, and to make matters worse, they're also doing a worse job of protecting Philip Rivers with every passing week. They have no real running game to speak of, and of course, they're still coached by a complete fucking idiot. But I'd be remiss if I didn't at least mention the Broncos who, yet again, disproved a notion I had about them. San Diego essentially neutralized both the Broncos' running game, and their top two wide receivers, and Kyle Orton still played a nearly flawless game, connecting on better than 2/3 of his passes and continuing to protect the football as well as any passer in the game this season. I'm officially a believer in everything the Denver Broncos are selling.

Philadelphia at Oakland: As the 1:00 games came to a close, Michelle and I headed home from Josie's in spite of the Eagles not being on TV in NYC. My rationale, as I've found myself saying more and more frequently over the last couple of seasons, was "if the Eagles aren't gonna slaughter this team, I don't wanna have to watch it." Sadly, it's getting pretty damn easy to know which of those sorts of games I don't wanna watch. Just as much as you can take it to the bank that the Eagles are gonna win their first game after the bye as long as Andy Reid is the coach, you can pretty much count on them to play to the level of whatever competition they find when they go on the road. Sometimes, that means giving New England a hell of a scare during their 16-0 season, and much more often it means playing a shitty game with a 75-25 pass-run ratio against some pathetic excuse for a football team, in this case the Raiders. I can't even get mad about it anymore, because it wasn't even remotely hard to see it coming. It's cliche at this point to talk about Andy Reid's refusal to run the ball more, and obvious that it costs the team games. What I have to keep reminding myself of, and what I think just about everyone else in Eagledom has completely forgotten at this point, is that when it comes to games the team needs, the ones in late November, December, and January, he always remembers to run the ball. At this point, I have pretty much adopted the rationale that he ignores the run early in the season to keep his backs fresh. It's all that keeps me sane. But as long as Andy Reid is the coach, which is gonna be the case for a while, there are gonna be games like this.

Power Rankings

1. Saints - The Saints made Eli Manning look like Kevin Kolb. Down the road, that probably isn't gonna seem like that big of a stretch, from what we saw of Kolb in his second start, but it tells me a hell of a lot about the Saints' defense right now. They come to play every single week, and even when they give up some points, they have the pass rushers to make quarterbacks hang balls up in the air, and the center fielder in Darren Sharper to run under it and make them pay. I can't call them a complete team because when they have it their way they don't run the ball very much, but they're a team capable of winning all types of games now that their defense can stand up to legitimate offenses.
2. Colts - After a pair of bye weeks (one of which came against the Titans) the Colts get back in action this Sunday in St. Louis. How is it fair that the Colts get to take three weeks off from football and get two wins in that time?
3. Vikings - I hate this team so much it makes me wanna cry. It's completely irrational, they've done nothing to me, but they just make my stomach turn. Fuck Adrian Peterson for making it look so easy. Fuck Brett Favre for existing, and for thus far this season looking like the most disciplined, and best, quarterback in the NFL not named Brees or Manning. Fuck Percy Harvin for being friends with Tim Tebow and for not sucking like I expected him to. Fuck all of it. I cannot wait to see it somehow fall apart. It's gotta happen. It simply has to. Doesn't it?
4. Broncos - As I said earlier, I'm sold on this team. How sold? When I picked games before the season, I had them 1-5 entering their upcoming bye, and 2-8 after. If I could amend those picks now, I'd have them winning 8 of their final 10 games, with the only losses on the road at Baltimore and Indianapolis.
5. Patriots - Impressive as it was, a 59-0 win against the Titans really didn't improve the Pats' standing in my eyes at all. But then again, I'm one of the only people in the world who hadn't jumped off their bandwagon to begin with. They jump up two spots because the NFC East teams once ahead of them left no doubt in my mind that right now, the Pats are a better team.
6. Giants - If the Giants had just lost to the Saints, I would've probably only dropped them a slot or two, but they lost quite convincingly, and more importantly, they still can't get Brandon Jacobs going. Ahmad Bradshaw is a perfectly nice complementary back, and he sure did torch the Raiders last week, but if they're gonna be even a decent offensive football team they need play action off of Brandon Jacobs to be a huge weapon, and right now they can't afford to give him the carries needed to establish it. Combine that with injuries to their defensive back seven which, as they seem to for the Giants every year, are beginning to mount, and you have a team which still looks like the best in the NFC East, but not particularly like one of the elite teams in the league.
7. Steelers - People can suck on Rashard Mendenhall's dick all they want, and lord knows they seem to want to right now, but the Steelers didn't run the ball particularly well either of the last two weeks, against Lions and Browns defenses which flat out suck. The good news is that Mike Tomlin and co. have clearly moved on from the idiotic notion that they can suddenly make their offense a power running offense when that just isn't what they are. I spent over a year feeling like the only person in America who noticed the Steelers had an elite passing offense, and finally, the world seems to be catching up. But until they play against a couple of decent teams, it's hard to have much of an idea right now where their defense is. From the looks of it, I don't think it would've held up to any of the teams ahead of them if they had played them in the last month.
8. Falcons - I saw exactly none of this game, thanks to the Phillies' 11-0 beatdown of the Dodgers which was on at the same time, but I'm surprised/mildly impressed to see the Falcons holding a decent offensive football team like the Bears to 14 points. Then again, the Bears continue to get absolutely no production from their running game. Jay Cutler had more yards on one of his three carries than Matt Forte had on his 15 combined. I'll be more willing to consider the possibility that Atlanta's defense doesn't suck when they shut down a team with some kind of balance.
9. Bengals - The wheels may have already started coming off for the cardiac Bengals, as the defensively challenged Texans managed to hold Cedric Benson to 44 yards, which is much more like the Cedric Benson we all know and make fun of. Without being able to use the ground game to control the clock, the Bengals didn't really stand much much of a chance Sunday, and saw their defense allow a season-high 28 points. They don't need huge numbers out of Benson, but they need him to grind it out to have a chance, and I still don't think he can on a weekly basis.
10. Eagles - I don't like putting the Birds here this week. I feel like I should be punishing them for that pathetic excuse for a football game they played in the black hole. But when I look, even through my haze of disappointment, at the bunch of 3-2 teams I've left myself to choose between for the 10 spot, I just can't find one I really believe the Eagles aren't miles ahead of. Playing the way the Eagles did, losing games to the likes of the Raiders, running the ball 14 times in a game, these are all hideous acts unbecoming of one of the top 10 teams in the NFL, but that doesn't preclude the team which committed these sins from being among them. It just makes me wish I could bring myself to hate them.

When I was younger, so much younger than today, I never needed anybody's help in any way...

2009-10-14T00:19:00.005-04:00

There's perhaps no greater experience than seeing a beloved band for the first time. I'll never forget a particular Saturday in early May of 2004, a day on which I had that experience twice. It started rather early in the day, one which followed a long, thrilling night of poker and debauchery in the company of good friends. The next morning, in the company of a handful of my closest friends at the time, I schlepped, hangover and all, down to Asbury Park for the Skate and Surf Festival (since bastardized as The Bamboozle and moved north to Giants Stadium) to see, among other less memorable bands, Further Seems Forever reunited with their original lead singer, Chris Carrabba of Dashboard Confessional, performing their only album together. It was, and remains, one of my favorite albums of all time, but I had never been fortunate enough to see them live before Chris struck out on his own. It took only minutes inside the dim, loud, stuff convention hall for me to seek refuge (AKA a smoke and a pillow) in our hotel room across the parking lot. As I stumbled across the grass lot, I remember being literally stopped in my tracks by a female voice unlike any I had ever heard. It wasn't the best, but it was without a doubt the most passionate. That was the first time I ever heard Hayley Williams of Paramore. I stood in one spot, transfixed, behind a crowd of perhaps 60 people and listened to every note of their 25 minute set, as shocked as I was thrilled to have unwittingly stumbled into a band which I had never heard of before, but knew I wanted to hear as much as possible of from that point on. By the time their set ended, I found myself rejuvenated. I don't think I set foot in the hotel once between that point and the aftermath of Further Seems Forever's set.

Like literally thousands of the festival's attendees, I was stuck outside, a victim of an overcrowded main hall which simply couldn't accomodate every single one of the festivalgoers trying to watch the same thing. Had it not been for a large group of people which rushed, and distracted, the trio of security guards manning the huge loading doors which lead straight from the boardwalk into the main standing room area, I wouldn't have made it inside. As it was, i slipped by just in time to hear Chris say "we made a record one time and we'd like to play it for you tonight." I screamed, I pumped my fist, and I did my damndest to dance a little bit while packed in like a sardine. The experiences couldn't have been more opposite, but they shared a single common thread: the buzz of hearing songs which touch your core performed live for the first time.

This Thursday evening, I'm poised to know that buzz again, for the first time in ages, when I see The Gaslight Anthem at Terminal 5. I fell completely in love with Gaslight the very first time I heard them back in March. I spent essentially the entire time between that moment and the moment Paramore's "brand new eyes" made its' way onto the internet (I've since bought it, Hailey, I promise!) listening to Gaslight, falling as deeply in love with them as I've ever been with any other band. Months of anticipation come to an end Thursday evening, as I get my first chance to see the band in the flesh.

As fate would have it, this Thursday also marks a major step towards the resolution of the Phillies' quest to repeat as World Champions. One of the few things I've ever known which trumped my love of music is my love of sports, and my devotion, as anyone who knows me knows, to my beloved Philly teams. Watching the Phightins bring home the Commissioner's Trophy last October was like seeing every band I've ever loved opening for the Beatles. This all leads me back, of course, to Thursday night, which as most anyone reading this surely knows, marks game 1 of the NLCS between the Phillies and Dodgers. It's only game 1 of a seven game series, I know, but having invested somewhere in the neighborhood of 500+ hours on the Phillies this year, and more than I'd ever like to think about over the course of my lifetime, and knowing how electric every single pitch of that game will be, missing even an inning of a seven game series doesn't just seem hard to swallow, it seems like a slap in my own face. But then, of course, so does missing a show I agonized over during the weeks it took for Gaslight to announce the NYC portion of their tour.

So here's my plan: I'm gonna go spend the next couple days playing Brutal Legend, reminding myself that the framerate's instability is a 360 issue, not a My 360 issue (i have RRoD paranoia issues). I leave it to you, friends, tweeps, countrymen, to decide which side of my face needs to be slapped: the music-loving side, or the sports-loving side. Write-in votes, especially those which make fun of my indecision, are encouraged. For anyone needing a quick refresher course, I leave you with a brilliant slideshow of the Phillies' epic NLDS game 3 victory, compiled by the equally brilliant Macho Row, as well as a video of The Gaslight Anthem performing my favorite song of theirs, "The Backseat." Enjoy, and please vote! You're my only hope!
The Phillies

vs. The Gaslight Anthem

Week 5 revisited

2009-10-13T16:29:00.007-04:00

Now that I think I've officially caught my breath from last night and Sunday's Phillies games, it's time to take a look at how my preseason predictions for week 5 fared, before getting down to the business of this week's edition of my top 10 power rankings. For the first time this season, week 5 saw a week-to-week improvement, amounting to my best week since week 1. I went 11-3, bringing my season record to 54-22, and if not for a healthy dose of preseason wishful Favre-hating, I would probably have gone 12-2.

Lessons Learned from the Games I Missed

Vikings at Rams: I hate Brett Favre. And I didn't think the Rams were gonna be quite as bad as they are, though I thought they'd be bad enough to be 5-11. But in my mind, I wanted to believe that at home, against a Vikings team I thought would still be as one dimensional as ever, the Rams could squeak this one out. If I had been picking games on Saturday, I assure you, I would've picked the Vikings to cover whatever huge spread they would've had to cover. But the whole point of this exercise is to see how much I actually knew entering the season, and in this case, I was wrong.

Bengals at Ravens: The Bengals still seem to be a team playing over their heads, but it doesn't seem to bother them much. They still don't look like much on either side of the ball, but Cedric Benson's slow, steady rise to the NFL lead in rushing yards is shortening games, their defense is doing just enough to stay in striking distance, and, well, we've all seen their exploits at the ends of games. If not for a Broncos miracle (more on that in a moment) the Bengal tigers would be 5-0, but of course, if not for a few miracles of their own, they could be 0-5. Strange as it is to say, the Bengals have been the most interesting watch in the NFL thus far in 2009.

Patriots at Broncos: I still expect the Broncos to take a rather precipitous tumble back to earth, but they're a much better team than I ever dreamed they'd be none the less. Mike Nolan, who oversaw some of the worst defensive teams in the NFL the last few years in San Francisco, has the Broncos attacking the line of scrimmage, and dominating it. Couple that with a certain #20 whose attitude seems to have infected everyone around him, as it did in Philly for the last decade plus, and you have a unit which can more than make up for the inconsistency of the Broncos' offense. Which isn't to say the Broncos' offense is bad, but the magic touch does seem to be wearing off their running game as the weeks go by, and Kyle Orton isn't a very consistent thrower of the football. When he's on, he can make any throw you could ask, but he goes through prolonged stretches which would make Jamarcus Russell blush. That all being said, if not for Brady overthrowing Moss and underthrowing Welker on easy touchdowns, the Broncos wouldn't have won this game. If the Pats find that timing any time soon, they should still run away with the East, as a defense which seemed incredibly vulnerable after giving up 25 points to Buffalo in week 1, has allowed just 16.75 points per game since then, and just got its best player and signal caller back in Jerod Mayo.

Power Rankings

1. Giants (5-0): They played the Raiders, they destroyed the Raiders, they benched Eli before halftime to protect his injured foot. Not quite coming, seeing, and conquering, but for the purposes of maintaining their grip on the top rung on the ladder, it was more than sufficient.

2. Saints (4-0): The only easier way not to slip in the power rankings than playing the Raiders? Bye week. The Saints should come into their showdown this Sunday with the only team I have above them rested, healthy, and the beneficiaries of an extra week of preparation. In other words, don't be surprised if the G-men leave the Superdome Sunday in the second slot, or worse.

3. Colts (5-0): The AFC's best team by a long shot, Indianapolis is only truly vulnerable to an injury to Peyton Manning. Otherwise, any games they lose are gonna be games where the other team just makes a few more plays than them. Far and away the best team in the AFC.

4. Vikings (5-0): Also giving the Saints a run for their money this week in the competition to see who had the easiest road to maintaining their ranking were Brett Favre and the purple teletubbies. They make me sick, and I still hate acknowledging them as one of the NFL's best teams, but, well, they handled St. Louis more than well enough not to allow me to drop them even a spot this week. Trust me, though, I will always be on the lookout for any sort of a weakness.

5. Eagles (3-1): As I've said all season, a healthy McNabb and Westbrook make this one of the best teams in the NFL. Getting a huge game from Jeremy Maclin, to go along with Desean Jackson, Shady McCoy, and all the complementary pieces, is just icing on the cake. When fully stocked, this offense is as good as any in the league. And it doesn't hurt to have had Tampa Bay on the other side of the ball last week, either.

6. Broncos (5-0): As impressive a win as Sunday against New England was, it came primarily as a result of two badly missed throws by Tom Brady on easy touchdowns. So, they easily could have lost the only game they won against a good team other than their week 1 immaculate deflection victory over Cincy. In other words, they may be 5-0, but it's still a soft 5-0. That said, their defense is playing well enough right now to continue giving their mediocre offense a chance. If they keep finding a way to get Brandon Marshall the ball late in close games, I like their chances. But for the games to stay close, that defense probably has to make it happen.

7. Pats (3-2): The defense is rounding into form very nicely, and should only improve the further removed from his injury Jerod Mayo gets. All that's stopping them from skyrocketing back to the top of the heap is a continued lack of timing/chemistry/whatever makes a quarterback and his receivers see the same things in a defense. Watching him in the pocket, Brady is as calm, poised, and fearless as ever, he's just not on the same page as his teammates. That can get worked out pretty quickly when you're talking about guys as good as New England runs out there.

8. Bengals (4-1): If I had to put money on it today, I still wouldn't bet on the Bengals to win 10 or more games this year, but I'll concede they're better than I thought and they seem to have developed a knack for making the play at the end of the game, which can't be discounted. But I just can't help but expect their defense to start getting gashed and Cedric Benson to start running, as I literally just seconds ago heard Michael Wilbon describe it, "like a ballerina," as he did in Chicago. Until that happens, however, their record is their record and, while it might not automatically warrant putting them ahead of teams with similar records who I think are better, it certainly merits putting them ahead of teams with similar records who I've seen them beat.

9. Steelers (3-2): The Steelers slide, despite a win, because right now I think the Broncos would beat them if they played at a neutral site and I just can't justify putting them ahead of a Bengals team they lost to, even if I still think they're a better team. Simple as that. I'm still not terribly impressed by Rashard Mendenhall, because, well, he didn't even really dominate the Lions' defense. He looked a shit ton better than he ever had aside from his breakout game last week against San Diego, but the common threads here are slow defenses that can't tackle. He won't outrun decently fast linebackers and until he starts breaking tackle attempts by people who can actually tackle, his success is essentially meaningless. But they still have one of the best passing offenses in the NFL, and if they get Polamalu back healthy and keep Casey Hampton, the most underrated defensive player in the NFL, healthy, they''ll be a dominant defensive team again in no time.

10. Falcons (3-1): Matt Ryan, Michael Turner and co. absolutely dismantled a 49ers defense which had a lot of people talking through the season's first four weeks, confirming what we already knew: the Falcons have a potent, portable, balanced offense that can give even the best defense fits. When their own defense gets to line up across from a Frank Gore-less 49ers offense, games will look like Sunday. But it's still hard to envision them shutting down any of the offenses listed ahead of them with the exceptions of the Broncos and Bengals.

As T.O. might say: get your brooms ready.

2009-10-07T13:08:00.003-04:00

I'm having trouble keeping my thoughts together, as the last few minutes refuse to pass between now and the 2:37 first pitch, but basically, it goes like this: the Phils are just better. Their lineup is better, especially when factoring in the likelihood of the Rockies facing four lefthanded starters in a five game series. Their starting pitching is better, especially when you factor in the Phils' career ownership of the Rockies' first three starters: Aaron Cook, Jason Hammel, and in limited action, Ubaldo Jimenez.

Here's where I take a leap: Brad Lidge seemed to really take something of value out of getting the last out in the clincher. He looked like his 2008 self taking the mound, albeit in meaningless games, over the weekend. I'm probably kidding myself, but I just have a feeling he's gonna be fine. I truly believe that if they can get past Jimenez today -- which might well require Lidge getting a save because I think all of us who watch the team know Charlie is giving him the first shot -- the next two games shouldn't be close. Cole is a proven October beast, as are Pedro and Blanton, who I think are the realistic possibilities for game 3. The Phillies have seen a lot of Aaron Cook and Jason Hammel and have flat out owned them. They'll do it again. Phils sweep.

Week 4 revisited

2009-10-06T11:18:00.005-04:00

First and foremost, stay tuned after the introverted portion of this post for my weekly power rankings, to be included in this post from here on out in hopes of avoiding the absent-mindedness that kept me from posting any after week 3.

Last week, I speculated that my days as a better than .500 predictor of NFL games may soon be coming to an end if rather prominent trends (i.e. my percentage of correct picks decreasing on a weekly basis) didn't reverse themselves. Following a 9-5 week, bringing my record to 43-19 on the season, I'm officially on mediocrity watch. Let's take a look at what went wrong:

Lessons Learned from the Games I Missed

Cincinnati at Cleveland: While doing my projections, I couldn't see the difference between the two teams from Ohio. By the time they played this game, it was rather obvious. I don't think the Bengals are anywhere near as good as their 3-1 record, but they're playing much better defense than they have in years and, at least momentarily, they're getting enough out of Cedric Benson to keep defenses "honest," opening up opportunities for Carson Palmer in the passing game. Couple a Bengals team which looks like it's solidly mediocre with a Browns team that is somehow even worse than I thought they were, and falling further into disarray every week, and it wasn't hard to see this missed pick coming at all.

Jacksonville at Tennessee: As far as I was able to tell entering the season, I was actually less impressed with the Titans than almost anyone. I mean, I only had them at 8-8. But not even I had any idea how big the step backwards their defense was taking would be. It's one thing to give up 31 points to the Texans, who are a stacked at the skill positions better than perhaps any team in the NFL, but to allow the Jags and Jets to put up 60+ points in the two games which followed is simply pathetic. Kerry Collins and the Tennessee offense is actually performing better than most of us expected them to be, but with a defense that's giving San Diego, Cleveland, and Tampa a run for the worst in football, it doesn't matter in the slightest. The way this team is playing, it wouldn't surprise me at all if they're the ones in control of which team gets to trade into the #1 slot in the draft to take Sam Bradford.

San Francisco at St. Louis: This was a very similar situation to the Ohio bowl I outlined above. I didn't give either of these teams much credit, at all, entering the season, though I did think San Francisco was the better of the two. But as a general rule, when picking between two teams I would describe as "awful," I pick the one playing at home. Honestly, I don't even think SF is much better than I thought they were. Slightly better defense than anticipated, but a passing game which still isn't good enough to win from behind. However, given the problems Arizona has right now, I'd be pretty surprised if the 49ers don't win the NFC West, officially cementing their position as the tallest midgets. Who else thinks any division with an overall sub-.500 record should lead to automatic realignment? What fun are the playoffs when only 10 of the 12 teams which make it have any right to be there?

Dallas at Denver: You would think that I must've learned something positive about the Broncos, who have now won more games than I thought they would all year, now that they're sitting at 4-0. You would be wrong. This game taught me, as I had already suspected, that Dallas is going to have to overachieve to get to mediocrity. The Cowboys are, without a doubt, a bad football team. Their defense is absolutely pathetic against the pass, as is their passing game. They're not terrible at running the ball or stopping others from doing so, which is the only thing keeping them in games, but as comfortable as opposing quarterbacks look in the pocket and as awful as the Cowboys' secondary is at tackling, it literally doesn't matter. So what is supposed to impress me about the Broncos managing all of 17 points against them? Denver isn't anywhere near as bad as I thought they were, I'll grant that, but I can't really get excited about their defense allowing 26 points through four games when the first three of them came against the Bengals, Browns, and Raiders. It'll be fun to see how many times over the season's final 12 games the Broncos allow more points in one week than they did in the first four.

Green Bay at Minnesota: The Vikings are better, and the Packers worse, than I expected. Actually, to be specific, the Packers are worse than I expected and the Vikings are better than I had hoped. Green Bay's defense, which was supposed to be an aggressive, zone blitzing 3-4 unit in the mold of the Steelers and Patriots, hasn't been generating even a little bit of pressure. In fact, they have managed to turn their best pass rusher, Aaron Kampman, into perhaps the worst pass covering linebacker in football. It's like watching Chris Gocong if he had played as a rookie. Compounding matters, the Pack hasn't coped at all with the loss of starting left tackle Chad Clifton, robbing Aaron Rodgers and his stellar group of receivers of anything resembling the time necessary to get the ball down the field. The good news for the Packers, and for those of us who thought they'd be an elite team, is that these should be correctable issues. Meanwhile, the Vikings have looked like everything I, a proud Favre-hater, was praying they wouldn't be. They still have some trouble with quarterbacks who have time, but with the best defensive line in football with the best pass rusher at the end of it, not too many have. It still makes me wanna puke, though.

Power Rankings

1. Giants - If Eli's play is significantly hampered in the long term by his injury, the G-Men won't stay atop the rankings for too long, but at the moment, they're the best team. New Orleans and the Colts are flashier and the Vikings will get more headlines as long as they have Favre, but it's as simple as this: of the four teams, the Giants and Vikings run the ball better, which will always give them a leg up against the pass-happy Saints and Colts. Perhaps more importantly, the Giants still have a stable full of pass rushers along the defensive line which continue to give opposing quarterbacks fits on third down. How do you beat a team which brings as much pressure rushing three or four as most teams do on an all-out blitz? Much as I hate to say it, I just don't think you do.

2. Saints - At first glance, it would appear the Saints' quick passing game is the answer to my last question. Teams which put pressure on Drew Bress, or at least the teams that try to, find themselves burned by quick passes and, inevitably, end up taking their chances in zone coverage. The problem I find myself running into when it comes to beating the Giants that way is that, generally, the Giants don't have to rush more than 4 to create the sort of pressure most teams blitzes do. Quick passing will back a heavy blitz off every time, but when the pressure is all coming from in front of a typical zone coverage, there won't be anywhere to go with the football. Luckily for New Orleans, there's exactly one team in the NFL capable of generating that kind of a pass rush entirely from along the defensive line.

3. Colts - What's to say? Peyton Manning is the best pure thrower of the football I've ever seen, and with every passing week, the people you hear repeating that sentiment come from a little further back in time. If they manage to play any kind of defense at all, or even go against a team with a slight deficiency at offensive tackle, they blow teams out. There just isn't a reliable way to beat them other than having the ball last in a shootout.

4. Vikings - It's going to take some nailbiters for this team to beat teams with either a well-balanced offense or a dominant passing game, a result of their inability to defend the pass by means other than pressuring the quarterback, but for the most part, it shouldn't matter. Favre's still got the laser rocket arm, Adrian Peterson is still the best running back in the league, and their defense still makes it very hard to run the ball with any consistency. They have one of the few defensive fronts I've ever seen which looks like it can wear out an offensive line over the course of a game. But against an offense which makes them respect play action and/or finds a way to block Jared Allen, the Vikes should allow a pretty decent number of points. And of course, in my heart, I still believe and will always believe that by the time it's all said and done, Brett will do something stupid with the ball and it will cost them dearly, because he always does.

5. Patriots - Maybe I'm just scarred by the Super Bowl lo those many years ago, but I still find myself sold on the Pats. They won't dominate defensively, but with every game, the margin for error for their defense gets wider, as Brady and the offense inch ever closer to the dominance we all know they're capable of. In fact, if I had to put my money on it, I would say this is the week they officially put the NFL on notice, as well as expose the Broncos' fraudulent defense.

6. Eagles - Not that it comes as even a mild surprise, but it appears Donovan McNabb and Brian Westbrook will return, healthy as can be, to the field this Sunday against Tampa. As long as they're at full strength, the Birds will be in the mix at the end of the year. If not, at least we've seen that all hope won't be lost if they have to rely on Kevin Kolb or Shady McCoy to make the offense go. Shit, for the first time in the Andy Reid era, there's gonna be a smidgen of merit, if only a smidgen, when the peanut gallery inevitably calls for Donovan's benching the first time one of his receivers drops a ball on Sunday.

7. Steelers - See how much better things work out when you stop pretending to be something you're not? Put the ball in Ben's hand at the end of the game, you win. Try to salt the ball away being a power running team you haven't been in years, you not only open the door for the other team's offense, you all but guarantee a winded defense trying to stop them. I can't put too much stock in Rashard Mendenhall's big night, given the Chargers are literally the worst tackling defense I've ever seen, but it didn't hurt him one bit that San Diego was forced to play the pass first. As long as they keep passing to set up the run, as opposed to the other way around, they should be able to produce enough on the ground to make it worthwhile. If they insist on being a run first, run second team, they'll keep playing .500 football, with or without Troy Polamalu. They're just not built to be a smashmouth offensive team right now.

8. Ravens - That's a little more like the Ravens I expected this year. A defense which still looks like the defense of the past few years, but a little bit slower and a lot less ingenious without Rex Ryan scheming it, and a good, but not great, offense. Did anyone really believe in those 30+ point performances against Kansas City, Cleveland, and San Diego? Amazingly, the answer is a resounding yes.

9. Jets - Speaking of Sexy Rexy the genius, did anyone else notice how out of sync he managed to keep the Saints' offense last week? If not for Mark Sanchez' worst game thus far this season and a defense which had been on the field all game, the Jets would've kept the Saints' offense out of the end zone for the entire game. When Ryan blitzed, he managed to catch Brees off guard, and when he dropped into a zone, there simply weren't open areas for the Saints' receivers to sit in. But as long as Sanchez is on the learning curve, gang green is going to have to win tight games. If the offense doesn't do a better job of sustaining drives, expect more games where the Jets' defense finally breaks at the end.

10. Broncos - They're 4-0, so it seemed to me like it would be unfair not to inlude them in the top 10, but this isn't, realistically, one of the best teams in the NFL. There are few guarantees in life, and similarly in football, but one of them is that the Broncos will allow significantly more than 6.5 points per game for the last three quarters of the season. You can take that one to the bank. And as nice as it is that Kyle Orton hasn't turned the ball over yet, he also hasn't seen even a mediocre defense since week 1, when he needed a miracle in the game's final minute to find the end zone against the Bengals. And honestly, I'm not sure that's even better than a mediocre defense. But until they start losing like I think they inevitably will, they get a spot on the list.

Week 3 revisited

2009-09-30T11:06:00.002-04:00

A day late because all I've been able to think about the last two days is how much the Phils were starting to resemble the last two seasons' iterations of the Mets, it's time to revisit a fairly interesting week 3 of the NFL season. My preseason picks went 10-6, bringing the season's total to 34-14, though also continuing the decline in my results from week 1 to week 2. With the onset of bye week season next week, I'll have a significantly smaller sample size from week to week for a while, but if things keep moving the direction they are, I'll be under posting sub-.500 weeks before I know it. So, what have I learned?

Lessons Learned from the Games I Missed

Washington at Detroit: Well, for starters, I learned that even when losing to the most pathetic franchise in sports to snap the longest losing streak in the NFL in decades, one can get a perfectly respectable performance from Jason Campbell filling in for Donovan McNabb in fantasy. But more importantly, I also learned that the Redskins, after only three weeks, appear to be a team with absolutely no desire. They didn't lose to the Lions on talent, they lost because the Lions were fighting harder than them on every single snap of the game. Truth be told, they could easily have lost to one of the only teams I've seen thus far that looks worse than them, the Rams, last week, but their superior talent was enough to set up a few field goals. Amazingly, though, the 'Skins could very well be sitting at 3-3 before we all know it, with the pathetic Bucs and Chiefs scheduled for trips to the nation's capital over the next three weeks. But if they don't sweep those two games and win in Carolina in between, I think we can officially label them the Deadskins for the rest of 2009. Even at 3-3 they'll be too far behind the Giants, and likely the Eagles and Cowboys as well, to make any kind of push.

Tennessee at NY Jets: Believe it or not, this Jets win impressed me even more than beating the Patriots. To begin with, the Titans mostly kept the Jets off of Kerry Collins, which common logic would tell you is the way to beat the Jets. Add to that Mark Sanchez's first performance which looked like a rookie quarterback and you find yourself wondering how the Jets managed to win the game. Amazingly, on top of it all, the Jets couldn't run the ball even a little bit, with Leon Washington and Thomas Jones carrying the ball a combined 26 times for 66 yards. All that, and a Titans team desperate to avoid an 0-3 start couldn't hold off Sexy Rexy's Jetsies, though. They played another of the gritty, grind it out sort of game that belies the youth and transition which looked like they would define the Jets heading into the season. They face an altogether different test this week, trading in a rain-soaked defensive struggle for what will probably be either a shootout or a blowout under the dome in New Orleans. If they pass that test, it's gonna hard to convince anyone they aren't the best team in the AFC.

Jacksonville at Houston: The Texans' defense has made an absolute fool of me over the first three weeks of the season. In week 1, they gave up 24 points to the Jets, who have averaged 20 in their other two games. In week 2, the Titans, who have averaged 13.5 points in their other two losses, scored 31 in a loss to Houston. Most recently, Jacksonville put up 31 points on them, after averaging just 14.5 in their first two games. So, through three weeks, Houston opponents are outscoring their average output by an average of 12.67 points per game. I don't care if you see that as being two touchdowns or four field goals better against Houston than against everyone else, however you slice it, it's terrifyingly bad.

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati: The Steelers won't be #1 in my top 10 this week. But until I heard the words "Willie Parker" and "turf toe" in the same breath earlier this morning, they weren't gonna drop out of the top 5, either. The thing that worries me most about the Steelers right now is Jeff Reed, who looks like he has fallen off the dreaded kickers' cliff, which we all know can very quickly become a very prolonged problem. Even in one of the sloppiest games I've seen the Steelers play under Mike Tomlin, a game which included a pair of airheaded penalties against normally reliable Hines Ward, and a drop on an easy touchdown catch by Limas Sweed, and the continued invisibility of Rashard Mendenhall, they were only a missed chip shot field goal away from overtime, and a touchdown inside the last 20 seconds away from winning the game in regulation. The truth is, Tomlin must have looked at the film by now and realized he beat himself abandoning a defense which was doing exactly what he wanted it to do for most of the final drive. The entire point of a strategy like they started off employing, keeping the play in front of them at all times, giving up small chunks of yards underneath, is that the closer you get to the end zone, the harder it becomes to find those spaces to fit the ball into. If Tomlin sticks with that strategy in the red zone, instead of suddenly opening up the field by sending a pair of blitzes which the Bengals easily picked up, there probably wouldn't be panic right now among Steelers fans. He's too smart to make that mistake again, especially at the end of a game in which he hasn't managed to find a pass rush the entire time.

Denver at Oakland: As I indicated going into the weekend, I had already changed my preseason opinion on this one after just two weeks. The Broncos, even without Mike Shanahan, appear able to plug running backs into the offense and make them better than they really are. Add to that a defense which really does appear to be taking on the mentality of their newly imported spiritual leader, future Hall of Fame safety and the greatest Eagle since Reggie White, Brian Dawkins. Of course, it's not that tough to look like an aggressive, intimidating defense when you play a couple of teams from Ohio and the Raiders, but for the moment, the Broncos appear to be a semi-legitimate threat. But at the end of the day, there's a reason the Bears were willing to ship out a fairly successful starting quarterback in Kyle Orton and a pair of first round picks to get Jay Cutler. Orton just isn't good enough to win them the games teams generally need their quarterback to win.

Indianapolis at Arizona: If the Colts' undersized linebackers and secondary can do as good of a job disrupting the Cardinals' offensive timing as they did, the defending Super Bowl losers are in deep, deep trouble. We've always known they had no running game, and that their defense wasn't anything to write home about, but Warner to Boldin/Fitzgerald was supposed to be a sure thing. The Colts' defense made them look like any other one dimensional offense. It can't be too long before all the defenses in the NFL superior to the Colts figure out how to do it.

Power rankings and picks for week 3

2009-09-25T13:50:00.005-04:00

What's more fun than top 10 power rankings? Power rankings with picks for the week!

Power Rankings
1. Steelers - Yeah, they lost, but I put them first on the list last week expecting them to lose, and honestly, they should've won the game. Jeff Reed missed two pretty makeable field goals that would've at worst had the game tied had he made one of them, but I think the bigger culprit is the playcalling late in the game. I can't see them being so content to take the game out of Ben's hands with the hint of doubt Reed has now planted. The moment they start giving him a chance on short yardage third downs is the moment they start scoring touchdowns instead of kicking field goals. It's a moment I expect to come very soon.
2. Giants - As bad as I think the Dallas secondary is, I also saw the killer instinct in Eli that he showed in the Super Bowl, something I've never been convinced is there. I still think he'll get blown over the moment he sees a January wind in New Jersey, but for now, he's a quarterback I don't wanna see with the game on the line, winning shootouts with no name receivers and Brandon Jacobs getting shut down. Now excuse me while I go vomit.
3. Saints - There was a time about six years ago when I was the only person on earth who believed in Drew Brees. I think we can all agree at this point he's a shitload better than I ever even thought he would be. I don't know that they'll score 45+ points EVERY week, but I would be shocked if they don't average 30 points a game for the length of the season. They're easily the best offense in football. They'd be at the top save for the fact that Kevin Kolb and Matt Stafford have put up 49 points on them in two games, and neither of them had even started a game in the NFL before seeing them. Can you imagine what a real quarterback might do to them?
4. Jets - Color me officially sold on Sexy Rexy's Jetsies, as Keith Hernandez would surely call them. They're essentially the Ravens' defense at its best with a top notch running game and at least as good of a passing game as the Ravens had when they won the Super Bowl. There's still not a lot to like in terms of wide receivers other than Cotchery, but Dustin Keller is a more than capable tight end and Leon Washington is a home run threat in the passing game. As much as I'd like to see them use him more in the offense, it's probably better to keep him healthy until the games start to matter a little more, especially if they're winning with him as a secondary threat.
5. Patriots - I'm having trouble keeping the faith here, but I just really don't think things are as bad as people want them to look. Everyone has known for as long as the forward pass has been a part of the game that the way to beat a great passing offense is to get quick pressure on the quarterback. You don't have to get sacks, you just have to get on his ass before he's ready to get rid of the ball. The result, when you succeed at that, is what we saw last week. As much as people are killing the defense, they gave up all of 16 points last week, and kept the Jets from finding the end zone more than once despite being in good field position all day. As long as Belichick is the one breaking down the film and coming up with the defensive gameplan, I wouldn't wanna face them.
6. Colts - Here's the thing: as I've said before, the Colts' defense sucks. But Monday night reminded me of a very important principle: they can only give up one touchdown at a time, and Peyton always scores when he's down a touchdown or more, and practically always scores otherwise. If the other team doesn't hold up their end of the bargain, he wins the shootout. Who the hell cares that his receivers have the names of Frenchmen and puppies? He's Peyton Manning. He will beat you.
7. Eagles - I said last week that I was putting the Eagles where I did based on the assumption that we'd have a healthy Donovan McNabb coming out of the bye, and that assumption continues to dictate this ranking. I'm not down on the defense for getting picked apart by Drew Brees like everyone else does. Half of the Saints' points were scored off of turnovers, most notably the two touchdowns the Saints scored in the opening minutes of the second half, which turned the game into a blowout. The Eagles' defense was essentially on the field for the first 11 minutes of the third quarter, with their backs against the wall the entire time. When you look at it that way, it's hard to blame them for the fact that their backs broke.
8. Falcons - I feel like a broken record, but I have nothing much to add to my last opinion on the Falcons. We should finally get a chance to see Brady with some time to throw or some dudes wide open unless the Falcons conjure up a pass rush from out of nowhere. I don't see their deficiency in stopping the run being much of a problem against those pass-happy Pats, but down the road, I just don't think they can hang with the Saints in a shootout, and I'm not convinced a great defense couldn't pretty much shut them down. But against anything less, they should be able to out score their defense most weeks.
9. Packers - I was once totally in love with the Packers' defense, but then all of a sudden they couldn't tackle Cedric Benson and they couldn't get pressure on Carson Palmer and they couldn't even manage to get off the field on 3rd and 34. That kind of thing stays in your memory, especially when it happens against the Bungles. That they made it close late was admirable and an encouraging sign that their offense is gonna be what we thought they were, but man. 3rd and 34 against the Bengals. How do you blow that?
10. Vikings - I'm gonna continue to pretend the Vikings don't play in my NFL for as long as I can, because I can't stand the thought of them or the sight of them, but unfortunately, I couldn't justify anyone being ahead of them in this spot. Adrian Peterson is better than the remaining 22 teams in the league single-handedly, and their defense is good enough to justify putting them as high as you want to put them. But when they need to win games with the pass, and they will, because all teams eventually do, Brett Favre will lose them those games. He'll lose them because karma has to hate him by now, he'll lose them because he's 453 years old with a fucked up shoulder, and most of all he'll lose them because he thinks his arm is infallible and he'll eventually make a dumb throw. When you have that reckless schmuck as your quarterback, you go no higher than the lowest spot I can put you in without feeling like I'm just kidding myself.

Picks for week 3

(Bold= my preseason pick, Italics = what I would pick today)
Washington @ Detriot

Green Bay @ St. Louis
San Francisco @ Minnesota
Atlanta @ New England

Tennessee @ NY Jets

Kansas City @ Philadelphia

NY Giants @ Tampa Bay

Cleveland @ Baltimore

Jacksonville @ Houston

New Orleans @ Buffalo

Chicago @ Seattle

Miami @ San Diego

Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati

Denver @ Oakland

Indianapolis @ Arizona

Carolina @ Dallas

Week 2 projections revisited

2009-09-22T14:06:00.002-04:00

Week 2 of the NFL season is in the books, and with it, another round of my projections have been put to the test. Slightly worse performance this week than last (11-5 this week, 24-8 overall), but on the whole, things have looked largely as I expected them to. Without further ado, here's what I've learned:

Lessons learned from the games I missed:

Bengals at Packers: The Packers' defense couldn't manage to get off the field on third downs at all, getting stops, it seemed, only on the two possessions which ended in Carson Palmer interceptions. When they had the ball, a plethora of drops, a fumble by Ryan Grant to kill a drive that was shaping up to be an easy march for points, and the complete disappearance of Greg Jennings could have turned this game into a Bengals romp, but true to form, they bungled their way into a tight situation, surviving only as a result of a false start which killed the game's final seconds. Despite laying an egg, The Packers' defense still looks, to me, like a very good unit, and I expect them to look like the one which manhandled the Bears more frequently than the one Carson Palmer picked apart.

Baltimore at San Diego: To begin with, Shawne Merriman just isn't himself yet. I don't buy the notion that Tom Brady's struggles are ACL-related, but Merriman just doesn't seem to have any burst, and once he's blocked, he might as well be in a protective bubble until the play ends, because he isn't gonna be shedding it any time soon. Meanwhile, it doesn't look like the Ravens' defense is gonna be able to limit teams' scoring the way they're accustomed to, but they've still got playmakers and when the rubber meets the road, they're probably still gonna make plays. I doubt they'll keep scoring 30 points a game, or anywhere close to it, when they see a defense capable of generating some pressure without blitzing.

Giants at Dallas: I really didn't learn anything at all, except that I was too kind to the Cowboys in making my projections. I said then, and believe now, that the Cowboys are a pretty distant third, in my mind, to the Giants and Eagles, and that the biggest reasons for that was that their defense didn't impress me even a little bit and Tony Romo would find ways to lose whatever tight games they found themselves in. Lo and behold, in front of the "biggest crowd in NFL history" (about 20% of whom watched the game on video screens in the concourses) Tony Romo completed less than 50% of his passes, threw three interceptions, and amazingly, only lost because his defense couldn't stop Eli Manning marching the ball straight down the field to set up a game winning field goal, despite knowing exactly what was coming. When you allow a pair of guys starting their second NFL games at wide receiver on the road in the grand opening of the most opulent stadium the NFL has ever seen to catch 10 balls each, you fucking suck at defense. There's just no other way to see it.

And the teams I've missed on twice:

Patriots at Jets: Clearly, I was wrong about the Patriots not losing a game. But as I said then, I expected to be wrong about that. What I didn't expect to be wrong about was that the Patriots should have won that game. To put it simply, I slept on the Jets' defense. Rex Ryan's scheme is so different from what their holdovers have played in, and he was bringing in so many new parts, I just didn't think it would catch on right away. There's a lot of chatter right now about Tom Brady's knee, and perhaps it's valid, but I don't think it's fair to put the blame on Brady for his inability to bring his team back late on Sunday. The Jets' defense made it clear all week they intended to harass Brady by any means necessary, even if it meant letting receivers run down the sidelines totally uncovered. They succeeded in ruining their timing, if not at actually sacking Brady, and the Patriots didn't have an answer. I still think it's going to be the very rare week that holding the opponent to 16 points isn't good enough defensively to set up an easy Patriots win.

Saints at Eagles: I've missed on both of the Eagles' first two games, but my opinion hasn't changed even a little bit. Despite being urged to blame it, I thought the Eagles' defense played admirably given the competition. They got more turnovers/stops than I expect most teams to get against the Saints, despite being on the field most of the day thanks to an offense which didn't sustain drives and joined the special teams in committing a bevy of penalties and turnovers. It was, in short, an ugly game for the Eagles, but I don't think a very meaningful one at this point. If McNabb is healthy coming out of the bye week, even if they manage to lose against Kansas City this weekend, the Eagles will be fine. If we're looking at a Kevin Kolb offense for the rest of the season, say hello to mediocrity.

Charlie tips his hand: Happ to bullpen for postseason

2009-09-19T09:58:00.004-04:00

If there was any doubt remaining as to Phils manager Charlie Manuel's plans for the postseason rotation, he would appear to have unwittingly revealed them last night. Making his first start after missing two with an oblique injury, Phils' rookie J.A. Happ lasted just three innings before being pulled from the game for "precautionary reasons" after grimacing on his way to cover first base. As Charlie put it after the game, "I thought we would take him out of the game for precautionary reasons, we need lefties." While that's undoubtedly true, Charlie left the most important phrase out of that thought: "in the bullpen."

Were Happ to be in the postseason rotation over Pedro Martinez, the Phils' current "fifth" starter, the defending champs would boast a starting rotation which featured three lefties in Happ, Cole Hamels, and Cliff Lee, in addition to righty Joe Blanton. Hard to see much of a "need" for lefties in that rotation, Happ or no, when it features the two best lefties in the NL not named Santana. The bullpen, on the other hand, currently features just one healthy southpaw, Jack Taschner, who has never had success getting lefties (or for that matter, righties) out in the Majors. With Scott Eyre and JC Romero dealing with injuries which have already lingered long past their anticipated expiration date, it would appear Happ is really the team's only option to bolster their left-handed relief corps, a fact which we learned last night isn't lost on Charlie Manuel.

Tulin's 10: Week 1

2009-09-17T14:32:00.003-04:00

Click ahead for my week 1 top 10 NFL power rankings!

Welcome to the first edition of my weekly ranking of the top 10 teams in the NFL. Let's get down to business:

1. Steelers (1-0) The defending champs earned a hard fought win against the Titans last Thursday night, and oddly enough, I think Troy Polamalu's injury might well help this team in the long term. The vulnerability it gives them against the pass should make it much more plausible to score against them, which will force Mike Tomlin and Bruce Arians to stop trying to be a power running team because they aren't going to be playing 13-10 games. They're a better team throwing the ball than running it, even if they're giving up 21 points a game instead of 14.

2. Packers (1-0) I'm still just totally in love with this team, assuming the protection for Aaron Rodgers in the 2nd half was the real Packers offensive line, which I believe it was. Even if not, their defense completely dismantled what should be a pretty good Bears offense, something I think should happen just about every week. They have too many guys that can cover too much ground and too many pass rushers not to make quarterbacks' lives hell all year long.

3. Patriots (1-0) Losing Jerod Mayo for what appears to be about half the season is an absolute killer, but honestly, I'm still not seeing a game I think they should lose. Anyone choosing to look at Tom Brady the other night and see anything other than an assassin doesn't really understand football. Yeah, it took him a little time to get any kind of a rhythm going, but find me a QB other than Drew Brees who didn't last week. And he was playing the lions. Brady proved his health in the last 5 minutes of the game, the same way he's proven his greatness there over the years. Give him the ball in the 4th quarter with anything resembling a prayer and chances are, you will lose.

4. Eagles (1-0) This could change pretty quickly if McNabb doesn't play at a high level starting after the bye in week 4, but for now, I'm working under the assumption that he'll be back and himself with the team no worse than 1-2. If that's the case, they're an absolutely terrifying football team, as the Panthers could surely attest. There were a lot of questions about how the Eagles' D would look under Sean McDermott, and the answer was loud and clear in week 1: just like it did under Jim Johnson. Amazing what 10 years working as a genius' right hand man can do for ya, no?

5. Chargers (1-0) My second favorite team, like my favorite, could see a precipitous drop in the coming weeks if Shawne Merriman doesn't start making an impact. He looked slow and weak the other night, not even enough of a player to be a shell of his former self. The result, much like last year, was a serious vulnerability in the passing game, though the play that almost cost them the game was a completely blown coverage that Merriman would've had to be taking the snap to have any chance of salvaging. On the offensive side of the ball, I have to wonder if, even if he gets "starts," LT will be the #1 back on the depth chart ever again. What, exactly, isn't Darren Sproles doing better than him right now?

6. Giants (1-0) If Eli proves that he and his receivers are capable of making that one play to win a tight game on a consistent basis, the Giants will be #1 on this list in no time. Brandon Jacobs and their legion of unblockable pass rushers make them an absolute nightmare as is, and if Eli can burn teams who try to stack the line, they're practically unbeatable. The fact that they're this low should tell you my opinion of Eli and his receivers.

7. Bears (0-1) Despite seeing the absolute worst of Jay Cutler and losing Brian Urlacher for the season, I still see this as a playoff team. Cutler has always had his bad games, as all QBs do, and I think we'll be seeing that happen a hell of a lot this season against the Packers defense. Defensively, I don't see Urlacher's loss being that impactful from any standpoint other than the loss of leadership, which could hurt but can also be replaced. On the field, he's still a good player, but his best attribute, his range, has been steadily declining. I think the trio of Briggs, Hillenmeyer, and Tinoisamoa can cover more ground than Briggs, Urlacher, and Tinoisamoa without losing much of their ability to bring the ball carrier down. And having one of the best running backs in football and a quarterback who finally will give them a chance with the game on the line shouldn't hurt either.

8. Jets (1-0) Maybe it's the Jet apologist in me (11 years living in Manhattan and hating the Giants will do that to ya) but I totally believed what I saw last weekend in Houston. Week 1 of his first season as head coach, Rex Ryan had the Jets' defense, without two of the best players in its starting front seven, playing like the Ravens defense at its best. They're gonna make it very hard for most teams to score points. Their running game and offensive line should keep pressure off Mark Sanchez, who looked as calm and confident as any QB I saw week 1, rookie or no. I wanted to be wrong about the Jets this year and I think I just might've been.

9. Saints (1-0) Drew Brees remains one of the best QBs in the game, and should keep them in every single game they play, but there's still nothing to like about their defense or running game in my opinion. They allowed 27 points to the Lions with Matt Stafford literally staring down his receiver on every snap. It makes you wonder how much better that team might be if they had a coach who acknowledged the defensive side of the ball to go along with the ridiculous amount of firepower on their offense. As far as I can tell, Sean Payton doesn't even make that offense any better. Brees would complete passes in whatever system you put him in and Payton hasn't managed to get a damn thing out of the running game in his time there. Not that I think Sean Payton's a moron or anything.

10. Falcons (1-0) I make this pick with absolutely no conviction at all. It was either Atlanta or one of an AFC South trio which doesn't include the Jaguars. I think Peyton is all the Colts have, Chris Johnson the same for the Titans, and lord knows I question my pick of the Texans to win the division after the egg they laid against the Jets. So I'm left with the Falcons, whose offense is pretty good and whose defense did everything it could to win me over on Sunday, but did it against the Dolphins, who, let's be honest, suck on offense. There were still points to be had all day against Atlanta, the Dolphins just aren't capable of doing anything about it.

Gotta get on my blog from my laptop, talk about some shit that's been on my mind

2009-09-16T15:31:00.007-04:00

Home stretch? More like home snooze: It would be hard to blame anyone for forgetting given the total lack of drama, but it's almost the end of MLB's regular season. It's just too damn bad that there isn't gonna be much of a reason for anyone to watch the last three weeks of it. The only "close" race across baseball's six division and two Wild Card spots, the battle between the Giants and Rockies for the NL Wild Card, could easily be all but over by the end of the weekend. All of the other 7 races are currently being lead by at least 4.5 games, and it'd be hard to get too jazzed about seeing the AL Central slip even further into mediocrity if the Tigers couldn't hold on. I actually just read a blog post by a very good Phillies beat writer which posited the notion that the battle for the two middle/long relief spots at the very bottom of the Phillies' postseason roster should at least inject some level of intrigue into the end of the regular season, AND IT EXCITED ME. Someone wake me when the playoffs start.

Holy licensed videogames, Taxman!: With every mistake (and lo, there have been many), game developers must surely have been learning, because this has been the summer of the licensed video game. Going as far back as an X-Men Origins: Wolverine tie-in which many felt dwarfed the rather low standard set by the movie, this summer has seen some of the highest quality video games in memory based off of existing licenses. Batman: Arkham Asylum brings the dearly departed animated series back to life, providing an incredibly fun gameplay experience and feature-caliber cinematics and voice work. The Beatles: Rock Band manages to capture the creepiness of "I am the Walrus," the campiness of "Yellow Submarine," the incomprehensible beauty of "Something," and most importantly, the personalities of the Fab Four to the extent that it feels as much like an interactive Beatles documentary as a video game. If someone told me Richard Linklater had gone "Waking Life" all over a bunch of Beatles performance and studio footage, I would believe them. The inherent difference, of course, between these and the vast majority of other licensed games, is that they weren't shackled by being tie-ins to specific movies, but instead were built from the ground up with the gaming experience in mind. Perhaps this should serve as a clue to developers?

I'll stand by Drew: Summer TV bids its final farewell tonight as America's Got Talent gives away a million bucks and crowns another winner who, if they're anything like two of the first three, will fade almost instantly into oblivion. It seems to be a two horse race between the show's most talented performer, mother/cancer survivor/opera singer Barbara Padilla, and its most relatable, unemployed chicken catcher/southerner/cowboy song mumbler Kevin Skinner. Not having much of a predilection towards opera or country music, my personal vote would go to guitarist/singer Drew Stevyns. Perhaps it's the fact that he's been singing songs I love ("Careless Whisper," and "I'll Stand By You" the last two weeks) or the fact that I just can't help but think of him as the real life incarnation of Ray Pruitt, but I find myself constantly wanting more of the guy, which is something I can't quite say for anyone else this season.

Knowing is half the battle: for anyone who didn't recognize on their own, the title of this post is adapted from a lyric in the Ben Folds song "All U Can Eat." Here is a video of said song. Enjoy:

Week 1 projections revisited

2009-09-15T11:27:00.005-04:00

What fun would picking every game of the NFL season before it started be if I didn't give a little peek into the results? Overall, I was pretty much right on with my predictions, going 13-3, which is comforting, since I made them just days before the games were played.

What did I learn from the games I missed?

Denver @ Cincinnati: I didn't learn anything so much as I was reminded of one of the bedrock principles of sports: the Bengals can lose games in ways that no one else could ever even have nightmares about, and they frequently do. Both teams still looked absolutely putrid all day long. I'm sure fans of both are talking about the impressive performances of their defenses, but let's be honest with ourselves, it's the Bengal and Bronco offenses they did it against. Not exactly the 2007 Patriots we're talkin about here.

NY Jets @ Houston: I'm hoping I didn't learn much from this game, because if I did it's that I was wrong about Houston finally putting all the talent together and taking the AFC South crown. The Jets' defense made what I expect to be a good offensive team look atrocious, which a Rex Ryan defense can do, though it was somewhat surprising with Shaun Ellis and Calvin Pace suspended. Offensively, the Jets looked essentially like you'd expect, more than happy to let Sanchez turn around and hand the ball off to Thomas Jones and Leon Washington with most of his throws coming off play action. Anyone expecting much different from a rookie QB starting week 1 probably hasn't watched much football. What happens when they get into a game Sanchez has to win is anybody's guess, but if their defense keeps shutting teams down, they're certainly a team built to win with a lead.

Eagles @ Carolina: Before I get to McNabb's injury, there was a lot to be learned from the action on the field, and shockingly, pretty much all of it good. First and foremost, I learned that Winston Justice may be an NFL tackle after all. The man didn't just play admirably, he played damn well, which is even more important because while I was writing this, the Eagles placed Shawn Andrews on injured reserve, ending his season and you'd have to think, at this point, his Eagles career. Just makes it seem that much more inevitable that Runyan will be signed.

I also learned that, as I suspected, the preseason was by no means a legitimate representation of how the Eagles will play defense under Sean McDermott. To put it simply, it looked like they were running the Eagles' defense we've all come to know and love, with all the bells and whistles and faked blitzes and on this particular day an absolutely ridiculous amount of pressure right up the middle of the Panthers' offensive line. If you can figure out a way to have free rushers blowing right by the center on just about every third down as the Birds did on Sunday, you're not gonna lose very frequently.

*cue the theme from "Maude"*

And then there's the quarterback situation, which certainly appears on track to give me every last bit of the drama I asked for. My gut tells me that we don't see Donovan again until after the bye in two weeks. Even if Kolb/Garcia/Vick/WildJack go out and turn the ball over 10 times in each of the next two games and lose to both New Orleans and Kansas City, they'll be sitting at 1-2, which has never in the history of professional football been an impossible hole to climb out of with all 6 of your divisional games still on schedule. I just don't see even a little bit of logic in all but guaranteeing his condition won't improve just for the sake of maybe putting yourselves a game up on the rest of the division.

So I'll be shocked if we don't finally get our first taste of a Kevin Kolb start on Sunday. I'd also be pretty shocked if by 4:10 PM Sunday afternoon there isn't a quarterback controversy over who should replace him against the Chiefs the following week. Whatever happens, the one guarantee is that it'll be fascinating to watch it play out. What more can a fan ask for after giving up hope for actual success?

Well, that went well!

2009-09-13T16:25:00.002-04:00

Most weeks, this will be the place/time to catch all of my post-Eagles vitriol. It's pretty rare that a whole game goes by, even a win, which doesn't leave ranting about something. Today, I have only one thing to say: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Should be fun to see if Sean McDermott's D is really that good or just exposed a gaping hole in the Panthers' protection scheme right up the gut. And of course, there's the McNabb issue. But for now, nothin to do but savor one of the most dominant Eagles performances against decent competition I've ever seen.

NFC East projections: I go and save the Birds for last

2009-09-10T20:00:00.003-04:00

Eagles: 12-4 (5-1) It's all about the offensive line for this team, plain and simple. And I think they're gonna come together just fine. Maybe not in time to look very good on Sunday, but with a couple of punchless pass rushes coming after Carolina, that should be plenty of time to get it together. I expect Jon Runyan to be brought in to (god willing) back up Shawn Andrews just as soon as the Eagles can do it without guaranteeing his whole contract, as they would have to if he signed before the first game. He should stabilize the situation quite a bit. On defense, I see the team taking a step back without Stewart Bradley's dominance on the field and Jim Johnson and Brian Dawkins' leadership. But not that much of a step back. I don't put an ounce of stock in the fact that Sean McDermott's defenses looked timid and bland in the preseason, JJ's always did as well. Omar Gaither isn't the best tackler on earth but he's always had a knack for making plays when he's gotten on the field and I think he'll work out fine as the replacement middle linebacker. The most important player, in my opinion, is Victor Abiamiri. If he can generate any kind of pressure off the edge opposite Trent Cole, this defense will be very tough. Otherwise, I expect it to look a lot like the defenses from 2006 and 2007.

Giants: 11-5 (3-3) The Giants' defense is still going to make it very hard for quarterbacks to go down the field on them, and Brandon Jacobs is still literally as powerful as 2 normal men, but the Giants aren't going to miss Plax any less this season than they did down the stretch last year. Kevin Boss is far and away the best pass catcher the Giants have right now. There's a minute chance rookie Hakeem Nicks becomes a real player this year, but he's never going to be the kind of vertical, both on the field and in the air, threat that Plax was. Without him, it's a mediocre passing offense that's probably good enough for a Wild Card berth but won't be able to go out and win a game against a playoff caliber opponent.

Cowboys: 10-6 (3-3) I actually think the gap between the Cowboys and Giants is rather large in terms of talent, but don't see it making much difference in their records. The NFC East on the whole should see its record inflated at least a game or two as a result of playing the horrendous bottom three quarters of the AFC West. I still believe Tony Romo is nothing more than Brett Favre light on everything but the recklessness with the football. Their already mediocre passing game will miss TO a lot, and their defense is still being run by Wade, son of Bum.

Redskins: 7-9 (1-5) If they can keep Jason Campbell upright and healthy, this team might score some points. But Clinton Portis just can't keep up the kind of production he's put up forever, and their defense still doesn't look very good to me, Haynesworth or no. But if there's a single team I picked to finish last that I could see winning their division, this is without a doubt the one.

AFC East projections: predicting perfection

2009-09-10T19:00:00.002-04:00

Patriots: 16-0 (6-0) I've been saying for weeks that as long as Brady is healthy this team will score on every single possession. He's healthy and I really believe they'll come close. As far as their defense is concerned, yes, there are a lot of guys missing from the past couple seasons, but Belichick has always shuffled guys off of that unit with a lot of success and I'm sure if he let a bunch of starters go it's because he had a bunch of starters ready to go. It's how he rolls. Do I genuinely believe they'll win every game? No. But the only one that kinda LOOKS like a loss is @Indy, and I just don't think I'd be able to pick against New England if that game was being played tomorrow.

Dolphins: 6-10 (3-3) I hate saying it, having rooted for him for almost a decade with the Jets and last year with the Miami notFavres but I think this is the end of the road for Chad Pennington. Miami was a lot of fun last year, especially because they left both Favre and the Pats out in the cold come playoff time and contributed to the inclusion of the Wildcat in Madden, but the league has caught up to it and the only way it's gonna work is if Pat White starts running it with some kind of legitimate passing option. If that works, it won't be long before he takes Chad's job as the quarterback. If it doesn't, it'll be even less time before the complete lack of a traditional downfield passing threat completely tanks the Dolphins' season, and costs Chad his job. The Dolphins also get hammered in the scheduling department, facing the AFC South and NFC South, perhaps the two deepest divisions in football.

Jets: 5-11 (2-4) I actually think there's a lot to like on the Jets. Aside from their total lack of a receiving corps, this team really shouldn't be far away. But Shaun Ellis and Calvin Pace, two of the most important pieces of their defense, are suspended to start the season, Mark Sanchez is a rookie playing quarterback and they have to play the Patriots twice, and both South divisions. It's just hard to find wins in those games.

Bills: 2-14 (1-5) Even since his departure from the Eagles, and especially again now that he's not a Cowboy, I love me some Terrell Owens as much as TO loves him some TO. I have a cat named Sharpie, for God's sake. But he and Lee Evans are literally all there is to like about that team. I guess Trent Edwards is alright, but how excited do you want me to get about a slightly above average QB? There's no offensive line, no running game, and no defense. How is Trent Edwards supposed to get the ball down the field when a 3 man rush can get on his ass in 3 seconds? They probably won't be quite as bad as I have them here, but I couldn't find more than two games -- Jets in Buffalo, Tampa in Buffalo -- that I believe they SHOULD win.

NFC North projections: Favre, shmavre. It's his old team's year.

2009-09-10T18:00:00.001-04:00

Packers: 14-2 (6-0) I knew, going into my process of predicting a whole season, that I liked the Packers a whole lot. I wasn't quite sure how much until i actually sat there and decided the first time they're gonna lose is week 15 in Pittsburgh. I'm in love with every unit on this team. I even love AJ Hawk, and I FUCKING HATE AJ HAWK! They have a pair of backs who can pound it up the middle but bust it outside, a bunch of big, quick receivers who catch every perfect pass Aaron Rodgers throws them. I could go on forever. The Packers are, for my money, the best team in the NFC this year.

Bears: 11-5 (3-3) As much as I hate to say it, given my previously stated opinion of Jay Cutler, I think the Bears' offense is, for the first time in a long time, the best unit on the team. Which isn't to say I think their defense is bad, though it is getting rather old, doesn't have a great pass rush without blitzing, and lost a key contributor in Dusty Dvoracek at a position where Tommie Harris is always one snap from injury. But it isn't that. I like the Bears' offense. Matt Forte is a beast, Devin Hester, much to my surprise, is a good receiver, and Greg Olsen is poised to show why he was a first round talent. They should score points, play tough defense, and constantly win the field position battle as teams either punt to or away from Hester. I'm still not sure if Lovie Smith is over or under rated as a coach, but I like his squad this year.

Vikings: 9-7 (3-3) Brett Favre or no Brett Favre I'm just not sold on this team. Yes, they stop the run, but no one runs on them anymore. Problem solved. They still have issues against the pass which aren't going to be solved just because Antoine Winfield, good as he is, got a year older, and they did nothing else of note to solve them. Some would say they upgraded the quarterback position, but I say in name alone. Tarvaris Jackson didn't go out and win games for the Vikings, but he didn't lose them either, if only because he never had the chance. Brad Childress didn't stake his job and reputation to Brett Favre just to have him manage the game. They won't be the Eagles or Saints, but Brett will get the chance to make an impact on games in ways Tarvaris never did. I continue to believe, as I have for years, that Brett will lose his team more games than he'll win them. I dock them one for Favre's incompetence.

Lions: 3-13 (0-6) I've got the Lions winning a game on the road @Seattle. I find it hard to justify but both times I looked at that game I immediately thought "Lions." But if Stafford can find a way to avoid the oncoming defensive ends long enough to get the ball in the vicinity of Calvin Johnson, they'll score enough points to maybe make some games interesting? Yeah, I don't believe it either. But I'll root for them. Just on principle. It's just sad otherwise.

AFC North projections: I like mine with Vince Lombardi trophies, Heinz 57 and french fried Ravens

2009-09-10T17:00:00.002-04:00

Steelers: 14-2 (5-1) What's not to love about the defending champs? They return the NFL's best defense completely intact, and it should be every bit as good. As long as Troy Polamalu and Casey Hampton, the most underrated defensive player in the NFL, stay healthy, they're gonna make it almost impossible to find the end zone more than once a game. Offensively, they'll miss Nate Washington a lot, especially if Santonio Holmes pulls his customary disappearing act for 5-7 games out of the season. But if Heath Miller and Hines Ward are perpetually open on third down, as has been the case in the past, the absence of big plays down the field to Nate won't be a major one. If the running backs stay healthy, expect to see a whole lot of the monstrous ketchup bottle that signifies the Steelers' presence in the red zone this year.

Ravens: 11-5 (5-1) There are a lot of ways I could see the Ravens taking a big step back this year, most notably due to the departure of Rex Ryan and the aging of Ray Lewis, Ed Reed, etc. But I don't think it'll happen that way. I expect the Ravens defense to look essentially like the Ravens defense for at least one more year. I still see, however this as an offense which lacks firepower in the passing game, even if Todd Heap has his best season. Derrick Mason was never a game changer as a receiver and at this age he's barely a sufficient #2 for a team with a legitimate passing game. But with the Bengals and Browns on the schedule four times and the pieces they still have in that defense, I think the Ravens should be in the mix for a Wild Card.

Bengals/Browns: 3-13/3-13 (1-5)/(1-5) How do you even distinguish between two potentially awful catastrophucks of teams like the state of Ohio has to offer this year? And even if you knew how, why would you? I see them with the exact same record, and it's not even worth figuring out who, in my projection, would be below who, because it's a season away anyway. Would anyone even know the difference if Eric Mangini was pulling his bullshit with the Bengals or if Carson Palmer was having trouble staying on the field back to back games for Braylon Edwards to drop his passes instead of Chad Johnson? Right. Didn't think so. It's a fucking joke. Honest to god, I challenge anyone who wants to to find a 53 man roster from between the Bengals and Browns that wouldn't lose to the Steelers twice a year.

NFC South projections: The tightest division in football

2009-09-10T16:00:00.002-04:00

Falcons: 10-6 (4-2) There's almost nothing separating the three good teams in this division in my mind. The Falcons, in fact, top this projection only by projected tiebreaker. The addition of Tony Gonzalez to their offense should help Matt Ryan a lot, not that he seemed to be having much trouble last year. The Falcons also seem to be becoming the new Broncos, with a never-ending stream of potential gamebreaking backs headlined by Michael Turner and Jerious Norwood. Their defense is still suspect, but it's also head coach Mike Smith's side of the ball, so it's not unreasonable to think they could improve based on nothing but continuity.

Saints: 10-6 (3-3) While the Falcons perennially boast the scariest running attack in football, their rivals in New Orleans seem to have a similar lock on being the most prolific passing game. You can thank Sean Payton, the only coach who might ever dethrone Andy Reid as the most pass-happy in NFL history, for that, but you can also thank the NFL's most accurate passer, Drew Brees for executing his scheme to perfection. Also like the Falcons, it's hard to see them holding too many teams under 21 points, having done essentially nothing to improve a defense that's been very easy to score on in recent years.

Panthers: 9-7 (4-2) Steve Smith and the backfield combination of DeAngelo Williams and Johnathan Stewart should keep this team in games, but to win in either Atlanta or New Orleans and have a chance to win the division, this team is going to need one of two things to happen: either Jake Delhomme is going to have to match Brees and Ryan throw for throw and win shootouts, or the Panthers' defense under Ron Meeks' newly installed Tampa 2 scheme is going to have to shut them down. We've all seen what happens to Jake Delhomme when the game is on his shoulders...best of luck bending but not breaking against the Saints and Falcons.

Buccaneers: 2-14 (1-5) The very fact that Tampa has been even remotely close to contention in the past several seasons was a testament to how good a job Jon Gruden and Monte Kiffin were doing. I like Derrick Ward as a complementary back but as far as I can tell he's literally the only thing that offense has going other than Antonio Bryant. As long as it took Antonio Bryant to have one legitimately good, non-controversial year, is it really wise to expect a second from him in a row? But hey, at least they deserve the shit that's about to start raining on their heads for the way they scapegoated Gruden, right?

AFC South projections: Deep in the hearts of the Texans...

2009-09-10T15:00:00.005-04:00

Texans: 13-3 (5-1) There's nothing not to love about this team's offense, except perhaps Matt Schaub's durability. Andre Johnson, Owen Daniels and Steve Slaton are all superstar caliber players at their positions, and this is the year everyone who hasn't noticed yet does. Rookie first round pick Brian Cushing should give the secondary, this team's biggest concern, a huge boost by providing a legitimate pass rush opposite Mario Williams.

Colts: 11-5 (4-2) They'll score some points, probably a whole fuckin bunch of them actually, but this team is still too shaky up front to be any kind of a legitimate running threat, and still too small defensively to play the game at Peyton's pace. They'll wear down as games go on, and as the season goes on, unless the offense makes their drives, productive or not, last a little longer. Add to that the fact that the defense's best asset, the mind of Tony Dungy, is now devoted to keeping Mike Vick out of trouble, and I think we finally see the Colts have a sub-12 win season. Maybe.

Titans: 8-8 (2-4) I'm a Penn State fan. Massive one. Have been since I was 10 years old and fell in love with Kerry Collins' rightful National Championship team. So it really pains me to say this, but I don't see him surviving 12 games as the starter this year. I expect their defense to take a huge step back without Albert Haynesworth completely dismantling every blocking/protection scheme from the inside out, and it just isn't pretty for Kerry when they need him to throw the ball. It won't be any prettier for Vince Young, because they're just not built to do anything with the ball other than run it up the gut with Lendale or on the edges with Chris Johnson, but I expect Vince to get the nod when it becomes obvious that the team needs the threat of his hall of fame legs to keep defenses off balance.

Jaguars: 4-12 (1-5) Maurice Jones-Drew is really good. Unfortunately for the Jags, he might be better than the rest of their roster combined. Seriously. There's nothing to like about this team, from the crappy quarterback to the nonexistent receivers to the awful defense. I'm not entirely sure how Jack Del Rio survived last year, but he won't survive this one without this team proving that talent doesn't matter, because they just don't have much of it.

NFC West projections: Please, don't go west, young man...

2009-09-10T14:00:00.006-04:00

Cardinals: 12-4 (5-1) I know Super Bowl runners up don't tend to make the playoffs, but I think this team bucks that trend. Warner to Fitzgerald/Boldin/Breaston should be worth enough points for them to roll over offensive midgets like the Seahawks, 49ers, and Rams, and if their defense plays with the confidence and speed they played with in January/February, the Cardinals are a threat to be in Florida the last week of the season yet again. But I wouldn't be even a little bit surprised if their defense reverts and they end up winning the division, like last year, essentially by default.

Rams: 5-11 (4-2) What the hell is it with these West divisions anyway? Is football somehow at odds with manifest destiny? I literally have nothing to say about this team. Steve Spagnuolo is a hell of a defensive coach but he doesn't have even a quarter of the pass rushers he had with the Giants, which is essentially all that made those defenses so good. To top it all off, his only decent offensive players, Steven Jackson and Marc Bulger, can't stay healthy. Unless I'm way off, second place in this division really is the first loser.

49ers: 4-12 (2-4) Of course, it's better to be the first loser than the second, right? Shaun Hill just won their quarterback competition and it wasn't even close. Need I say more? It's a tragedy Patrick Willis, perhaps the best middle linebacker in the game right now, certainly the best young one, has to suffer on a defense that just isn't gonna stop anybody. Their one ray of hope is a rookie possession receiver who hasn't had a single day of training camp, preseason, or even week 1 practice. See you in the top 10 in April.

Seahawks: 3-13 (1-5) They have an oft-injured, aging quarterback, a newly minted "#1" receiver who has only ever been a decent #2 and was always opposite a stud #1, no running game whatsoever, and an aging, bad defense. Add to that a retread head coach who didn't exactly light the world on fire the first time around and it all adds up to an appropriately rainy forecast for the waterbirds.

AFC West projections: San Diego Chargers...CHARGE!

2009-09-10T13:00:00.005-04:00

Chargers: 14-2 (6-0) As almost anyone reading this probably knows, I hold a special place in my heart for the Chargers, so it's possible that my outlook on their season is tainted ever so slightly by the powder blue lens on my sweet-ass imaginary half-charger/half-eagle sunglasses. I see precisely 4 games they should realistically have a chance of losing: @Pittsburgh and @NYG, which I have them losing, in addition to @Dallas and @Tennessee, which I do not. Even if they lost all four and found a couple other losses, they'll roll over the AFC West in their sleep. Come playoff time, though, they better hope Shawne Merriman is at the top of his game and not injured or in prison. He's their only pass rusher worth a damn and the key to making their secondary a nightmare for QBs as opposed to Charger fans.

Raiders: 6-10 (2-4) I'm not even really that comfortable with giving them 6 wins, seeing as they're the Raiders and all, but if their players are healthy, they should be able to eke these wins out: DEN, KC, CIN, NYJ, WAS, @CLE. When you look at it that way, I'm not giving them a whole hell of a lot of praise, even if they are in 2nd place.

Chiefs: 5-11 (2-4) If this division isn't the best argument I've ever seen for re-aligning on a yearly basis to even shit out, I don't know what could be. I wonder if we could convince anyone at the league office to just give the Chargers the division title and first round bye now and save LT, Sproles and Gates the wear and tear. I'd say something about the Chiefs, but they're a terrible team whose biggest offseason additions were Mike Vrabel and a backup quarterback.

Broncos: 3-13 (2-4) Of course, the Broncos' biggest addition was the subtraction of Jay Cutler, which, from a likability standpoint, is a huge improvement. Jay Cutler is a punk and, according to sources in the Chargers' locker room, he watches "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman." I hate to say it but I can't even list Brian Dawkins, quite literally my favorite player of all time in any sport, as an addition. His limited effectiveness over the last season and a half he spent in Philly was almost entirely a product of Jim Johnson putting him in the precise spot he needed to be in to make a play. He just can't move around well enough to be an effective safety in the passing game anymore. It looks to me like Brandon Marshall better get an XBox Live account because it's gonna be 1 vs. 53 all year for him.

Come back at 1:00 for my NFL projections!

2009-09-10T12:17:00.002-04:00

Starting at 1:00, I'll post one division's projections with a little bit of my thinking each hour leading up to tonight's 8PM kickoff! This is perhaps the most scientific projection ever done...I sat, looked at every team's schedule, considered each matchup for approximately 15 seconds, and then cross-checked to make sure I had no contradictions. And then Michelle caught one. But it was the only one! See you at 1:00 for the AFC West.

A tribute to Melanie Oudin on the day of her US Open Quarterfinal

2009-09-09T17:44:00.002-04:00

Dearest Melanie,

Only a few months ago, I had absolutely no idea who you were. If I was asked, there's half a chance I would've guessed you were a French Canadian goaltending prospect, just as an excuse to make fun of their names. I suck that way. And yet today, you've been my favorite person, team, or anything else to watch in sports this summer. Not because I love an underdog, or because of the boundless energy you bring to every point in every one of your matches, but because of the way you use that energy to punctuate every rally with a "COME ON!!!" In just a handful of matches, you've accomplished an incredibly unlikely task: you stole ownership of the phrase in my mind for all eternity. The ownership of my mental association has a long and proud history, and is a responsibility you should not take likely. Just look at some of your fallen predecessors:

My beloved girlfriend Michelle, a special ed. teacher, has a student named Tyler who loves "The Price is Right" more than anything on earth. He's known, in fact, to conduct pricing games on any and all items in her classroom without warning. My love doesn't run quite as deeply, but there's no doubt Bob Barker was a staple of every sick day I was lucky enough to have during elementary and middle school. As everyone born prior to 2000 surely knows, Rod Roddy's "Come on down! You're the next contestant on The Price is Right!" is simply indelible from my memory.

And then of course there was...

After the Price is Right, of course, came puberty. "Come on Eileen" was first popular a few years before my time, but it's never really gone away, has it? Catchy and filthy as that tune is, I'm sure I'm not the only person who listened to that song far too much as an adolescent boy.

But even Dexy's Midnight Runners didn't quite hold a candle to this next band...

POP PUNK WARNING! I WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYONE WHO IS OFFENDED BY THE SOUND OF THIS SONG!

Ahh, Midtown. For the uninitiated, before he made my future wife Blair Waldorf go bad, Cobra Starship's Gabe Saporta was the bassist/vocalist for the dearly departed pop punk band Midtown, who, as the image above and the ridiculous sign that used to hang behind them on stage said, saved...if by saved, I meant sang a bunch of bitter but very catchy songs. "Let Go" was, I believe, the first Midtown song I ever heard. And for several years, I couldn't hear the phrase "come on" without having to resist the urge to follow it with "let go."

Thankfully, one of the funniest characters in recent TV/movie memory put that to an end...

Yes, Melanie, you've managed to unseat George Oscar Bluth from the front of my memory. Not even his hysterical obsession with his increasingly expensive suits on the episode "Afternoon Delight," perhaps my favorite from Arrested Development's entire run, can stand up to the mark you've burned into my brain.

So here's to you, Melanie, and here's hoping you don't lose tonight. But even if you do, take comfort in the fact that I don't anticipate associating anything or anyone else with the phrase "come on" anytime soon.

Yours,
Andy

Shit I saw yesterday and still need to vent about...

2009-09-09T10:36:00.003-04:00

We'll leave the light on for ya...: I don't know about anyone else, but I for one am incredibly curious what the fuck Brad Lidge has pictures of Charlie Manuel doing. How else can you possibly explain Charlie's unwillingness to officially demote the former "Lights Out" closer? I, like most Phillies fans, was willing to give Lidge something of a free pass for much of this season, even willing to believe his knee was causing his case of pitching diarrhea. Unfortunately for Brad, Charlie, and all the rest of us with an interest in seeing the Phils in another dog pile in front of the pitcher's mound, "Motel 6"'s recently electric stuff belie that notion. It's plainly obvious, at this point even seemingly to Charlie, that our worst fears have materialized: Lidge is back in the psychological downward spiral that prompted Houston to ship him out of town in the first place. Charlie acknowledged as much by pulling Lidge before he had the chance to finish yet another fucktacular 9th inning collapse. Why yank him from the game if you don't see his defeat as an inevitability? Loyalty is an admirable quality in a manager, and one which has paid off for Charlie in the past, as he waited for players such as J-Roll, Ryan, and Chase to break out of slumps so deep you began to wonder if the productive days were the fluky ones. The time for loyalty is over. If this team has any hope at all of repeating, someone other than Lidge is going to have to be closing games out. If Brad really sees a demotion, after all that he's been through this year, as any sort of a betrayal, then the question of loyalty is moot. What obligation does Charlie have to stay loyal to a player who puts his own status ahead of the good of the team?

We don't need no education: I don't like piling on when shit blows up in people's faces, being a human being quite prone to making mistakes myself, but in the case of injured All-American Oklahoma Sooners Sam Bradford and Jermaine Gresham, it's just impossible to resist: THIS IS WHY YOU TAKE THE GUARANTEED MILLIONS AND FIRST ROUND DRAFT POSITION THE FIRST TIME! I know you want to win a national title. I know college is fun. You know what's even more fun? Being an NFL superstar, winning Super Bowls, and living the next 40 years like a carefree college student as you count the millions upon millions you made playing a children's game.

Scary Mother's Day: Even with the Phils giving me my nightly dose of agida and the Sooners sparking my schadenfreude gene, Tuesday's most memorable moments were provided by a pair of Moms I Wouldn't wanna Fuck with (MIWFs). Early in the day, it was Kim Clijsters, continuing her triumphant return from over two years away from tennis due to the birth of her first child, with a straight set spanking of Li Na. But as brilliant as Kim was, the mightiest mommy of the day was, without a doubt, Barbara Padilla, the odds-on favorite to win this season of America's Got Talent. Her performance last night, as it does every week, forced personal preferences (give me Drew Stevyns/Seether's version of "Careless Whisper" or anything Recycled Percussion want to do any day of the week over "Ava Maria") aside in bursting through the screen and injecting any room with life. Kim and Barbara join the likes of Beatrix Kiddo, Lucille Bluth, Dara Torres, and Debbie Phelps among the ranks of the world's most intimidating MIWFs. Cross their paths at your own peril.

You think there's a million Lees out there? That is so rich.

2009-08-19T21:34:00.003-04:00

I'm gonna try to keep this Cliff Lee lovefest brief, because, well, I could literally do the job with one sentence: Cliff Lee pitched a complete game 2-hit, 11-strikeout gem tonight in which he had as many hits as his opposition. What the hell more could I possibly need to say about the guy? I truly pity any team who deals for Roy Halladay this offseason if they're still looking at Clifton as the consolation prize, because there's just no way he can top this. After his second complete game in four starts with the Phillies, Cliff's National League resume now looks as follows:

33 IP, 3 ER, 16 H, 8 BB, 34 K, 4 W, 0 L, 0.82 ERA

So if you hear anything about suspicious activity at Lee's house tonight, well...just know I was worried about him....

Too funny for words

2009-08-18T22:06:00.000-04:00

Just let your soul glow

2009-08-18T12:05:00.005-04:00

With Pedro Martinez, the last, best hope for the jhericurl, set to make his home debut for the Phillies tonight against the Diamondbacks, there are only two things I can think about: finding myself some Soul Glo and finding the Phillies a closer who isn't on the wrong side of his deal with the devil. We'll get down to the latter in a moment, but first, I need a moment to fix my hair...

The Brad Lidge situation, sadly, is a bit trickier than my 'do. Brett Myers appeared to many of us, myself included, to be the most likely savior. But then, of course, we remembered he was Brett Myers coming off not only hip surgery but any number of the following: his 4-year old son's fastball, his 4-year old son's toys, his own drunken buffoonery, and/or a bar fight involving his friend which he definitely witnessed but appears to have not taken part in. So, until I see him prove otherwise on the mound, Brett Myers is out of the running. But let me be the first to make the case, right now, for the Phillies to sign him as a free agent closer this offseason. We'll need one.

The next most logical option would probably be to give either Pedro or JA Happ a shot, depending on which of them you choose for a 4-man playoff rotation. But of course, neither of them has the singular out pitch you want in a closer, and neither has closed any time even close to as recently as Myers' stint in 2007 and won't get much of an audition before a potential playoff matchup.

Which leaves, as far as I can tell, three options: closer by committee, which is essentially like forfeiting in the playoffs (just ask Grady Little); calling up a young, unknown arm in the mold of K-Rod with the 2002 Angels and David Price last year with the Rays, which is slightly more appealing but still obviously dicey and not remotely in line with the Phils' philosophy concerning their upper tier young pitchers; and turning to the most reliable arm in the Phillies' 2009 bullpen. I can't believe I'm saying it, but I think the Phillies need to take a cue from Pedro and let their Seoul glow. It's time for Chan Ho Park to get a couple weeks' audition in the closer's role.

To put it quite simply, Chan Ho has earned it: in 37 innings as a reliever in 2009, over 26 appearances, Park has posted a 2.68 ERA, a better than 5:1 strikeout to walk ratio (41 K vs. 8 BB) and held opposing hitters to a staggering .277 slugging pct. To put that in perspective, Carlos Ruiz is slugging nearly 100 points better than batters who have faced Chan Ho coming out of the pen this year. More importantly, over Lidge's last 37 innings, dating back to April 23, opponents are slugging .524 off of him. Which is actually a bit better than his season total. Given the demotion Chan Ho accepted with poise and class earlier this season (coughMoyer'sabitteroldmancough), it's only right that he gets the opportunity to replace someone who he is clearly outperforming. If only for the purposes of giving Lidge a couple of weeks to go figure out who left the lights on and how he can turn them back out, and giving themselves a better idea of what exactly their options are as the season winds down and, hopefully, they move on into October. Time isn't gonna get any better for experimenting as the end draws nearer.

Consider this a palate cleanser. And proof I love animals too!

2009-08-14T11:48:00.000-04:00

You can hate me...now.

2009-08-14T10:27:00.005-04:00

I'm here to defend the Eagles for signing Michael Vick. That's not to say I'm here to defend Michael Vick, and it's certainly not to say I condone dogfighting, which gets your ass put in prison for a reason when you're caught doing it. But the concept of a second chance? Yes, I will absolutely defend that. Especially in the case of a man who, despite the brutal nature of his crimes, committed crimes not of hatred or violence but of greed, and who was sentenced beyond the harshest guidelines recommended by his prosecutor. When that man sits again in front of a man who he quite famously lied to, regains his trust, and gets himself reinstated in that man's league, who the fuck am I to stand in the way of the American justice system and the Commissioner of the NFL to give him his second chance?

I didn't really like coming to the conclusion that I had to accept Mike Vick back in the NFL when I came to it, long before he was an Eagle, but objectively, it's clearly Vick's right to pursue his happiness/property/whatever as long as it doesn't involve voting, or taking government jobs, or any of the things ex-cons can't do. So if an NFL team wants to sign him, I've been saying, and the Commissioner doesn't play his Stalin card and ban him, go Michael. Being someone who loves drama and likes a comeback story, I might even root for you.

Which brings me to the football side of this story. For the last couple weeks, since I first read the case for it on profootballtalk, and considered the absolutely delicious situation it would create with my rabid Stiller fan/dog lover of a girlfriend, I've been praying Vick would land with the Steelers. Not just because I love drama in my football, but because Vick in that offense would've been fun. And actually probably would've been the one weapon I see that offense missing unless Hines Ward manages to go back in time instead of forward or Limas Sweed squares and then doubles his 2008 catch total.

Never, in all that time, did I even consider how much better of a fit he might be in Philly. Forget about Kevin Kolb's injury, though his potential utility as a backup quarterback isn't a negative by any stretch of the imagination, and may even have been the catalyst for the move. But his role, if I were to guess, is probably gonna look a lot more like Brian Westbrook's rookie year. 15-20 snaps a game, lined up anywhere on the offense other than tight end, giving a defense one more home run hitter to worry about. How do you gameplan for an offense that can potentially present you McNabb flanked by Vick and Westbrook in the shotgun, with Maclin and Desean split out wide and Curtis in the slot? For a fanbase that has been so weapon-starved for so long to suddenly be turning up their noses at one of the most dangerous players the league has ever seen with the football in his hands is absolutely ludicrous.

And yet, turn on WIP today and all you hear are stories of people walking out of the Linc last night when they heard. Or Ray Didinger's wife greeting him with the pictures of the dogs last night when he got home. Can you honestly tell me people would be this upset if the Eagles signed Mr. Endangers Human Beings By Bringing an Illegal Gun to the Club in his Sweat Pants? He hasn't even had his day in court yet, but something tells me most Eagles fans wouldn't have to think very long before they said "this is the best threat McNabb has ever had other than Owens. Super Bowl baby!!!" I doubt Ray Didinger would've had to worry about seeing pictures of kids whose heads have gotten blown off by accidental gunfire. I'm sick of this bullshit emotional reaction. To every asshole who wants to tell me about the awful things Vick did, riddle me this: why are there prisons and sentences if you can't go back about your life after serving your time? Why don't we just kill all felons since their lives are essentially over anyway?

At the end of the day, most football seasons don't end well, and in fact, despite the last 9 years of Eagles football spoiling me, most teams have pretty sad, boring years most years. At least now, I am guaranteed that Eagles football is gonna be the most interesting show in town, and it won't even just be on Sundays. There is no fanbase I've ever seen in sports that's more inclined to hate its team than Eagles fans. WIP season started a month early for me this year, and something tells me it's gonna go loooong past the Super Bowl. Color me pumped...and probably now hated by everyone I know.

P.S. When faced with the decision to either link everything or not link anything...I took the lazy route.

Philadelphia Sports Examiner: Flyers clinch playoff berth while Phillies, Sixers fall

2009-04-07T23:53:00.001-04:00

Philadelphia Sports Examiner: Flyers clinch playoff berth while Phillies, Sixers fall

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Philadelphia Sports Examiner: Braves @ Phillies MLB season opener real-time reactions

2009-04-05T16:57:00.001-04:00

Philadelphia Sports Examiner: Braves @ Phillies MLB season opener real-time reactions

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Philadelphia Sports Examiner: NL East preview pt. 4: mangers and benches

2009-04-05T13:18:00.001-04:00

Philadelphia Sports Examiner: NL East preview pt. 4: mangers and benches

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Philadelphia Sports Examiner: NL East 2009 preview pt. 2: starting rotations

2009-04-02T17:59:00.001-04:00

Philadelphia Sports Examiner: NL East 2009 preview pt. 2: starting rotations

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Philadelphia Sports Examiner: NL East 2009 preview pt. 1: Lineups

2009-04-01T17:55:00.001-04:00

Philadelphia Sports Examiner: NL East 2009 preview pt. 1: Lineups

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Bye bye Dawk, bye bye happiness...

2009-02-27T17:42:00.001-05:00

Hello bad defense? I think I'm gonna cry.

Eagles appear set to sign Stacy Andrews, make me a happy fan

2009-02-27T12:45:00.001-05:00

Ask and you shall reportedly receive! Just hours after I named him as my fourth most desirable free agent for the Eagles this offseason, Bengals offensive right tackle Stacy Andrews is en route to Philly for a physical.

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Free agent wishlist

2009-02-27T00:11:00.000-05:00

Check it out!

Holiday-inspired lists are fun!

2009-02-16T15:31:00.003-05:00

Check out my list of the top 10 (11) active athletes who share a last name with a U.S. President.

I think they were actually worse than the Islanders were yesterday....

2009-02-15T17:49:00.002-05:00

Wow, could the Rangers have been any more pathetic today? For a team seeing a rival for the first time in 4 months, the Rangers sure were lifeless. Here's my full acount.

Sports quests which never end

2009-02-13T14:04:00.002-05:00

Hey look! It's a slide show!

Hey Jets: take my quarterback, please?

2009-02-12T17:49:00.001-05:00

Still an Eagles fan, still a Donovan fan, still convinced it's not the right offense for him. I've officially ventured into dreamland.

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What do you gas em up with?

2009-02-12T14:09:00.000-05:00

For the record, I think I'm the only one, but I totally get what Joaquin Phoenix is up to...and I fucking love it. Keep up the good work.

John "doctor who" Dockery

2009-02-01T11:27:00.000-05:00

This was a triumph. I'm making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS

2009-01-28T13:43:00.000-05:00

It's my cat in a box...

2009-01-27T14:54:00.001-05:00

Because I'm still alive, bored, and prefer to spread this via blog rather than e-mail...

2009-01-26T22:29:00.003-05:00

1. What is your occupation right now? Freelance writer/Bum
2. What color are your socks right now? Black. I'm in the dress socks phase of my laundry cycle.
3. What are you listening to right now? Australian Open coverage on ESPN.
4. What was the last thing that you ate? Half of a footlong Tuna on Wheat from Subway, leftover from my late lunch and standing in for the nasty-ass 'Smac which took an hour and twenty minutes to get here.
5. Can you drive a stick shift? Nope
6. Last person you spoke to on the phone? The person at 'Smac who answered when I called to tell him I expect better from them.
7. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Every now and then ;)
8. How old are you today? 24
9. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV? Hockey
10. What is your favorite drink? "Endurance" vitamin water
11. Have you ever colored your hair? Yes
12. Favorite food? Steak wit Whiz and Onions from Jim's on South St. End. Of. Story.
13. What is the last movie you watched? Man On Wire.
14. Favorite day of the year? Opening Day. Before anyone asks...if I didn't mean Baseball, I wouldn't have capitalized it. There's only one Opening Day.
15. How do you prevent anger? I try not to deal with people who make me angry.
16. What was your favorite toy as a child? Video Games
17. What is your favorite season? Winter. Fuck warmth.
18. Cherries or Blueberries? Be my cherry pie...
19. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back? I'm not e-mailing them, so it would be hard to e-mail me back.
20. Who is the most likely to respond? Michelle, because she'll feel compelled to now that I've called her out.
21. Who is least likely to respond? Amanda, because of the few people I believe have ever read my blog, she's the one least likely to be keeping up with it these days.
22. What are your favorite sports? All the ones which aren't: the X Games, Cycling, Horse Racing, Fishing, Cricket and Weightlifting. Oh and fuck the NBA.
23. When was the last time you cried? Right after Thanksgiving, Michelle and I finished off her first viewing of Six Feet Under. I bawled like a child during the last episode, just like I did the first time I saw it. I doubt I'll ever see the day when that's not the best episode of the best TV show I ever watched.
24. What is on the floor of your closet? A box of beer, a few pairs of shoes, my cat's litter box, food, and water bowls, a beastly creature going *munchmunchmunch*
25. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending to? The Internet.
26. What did you do last night? Had dinner with my parents, Michelle, and the McCarthy's, before watching "Big Love."
27. What are you most afraid of? Mushrooms. All, not just the trippy kind.
28. Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers? Spicy and cheesy. Duh.
29. Favorite dog breed? Literally the very day before the world became obsessed with the Obama puppy, I saw my first Golden Doodle in Duane Reade. It was pretty much the only dog I've ever loved unconditionally.
30. Favorite day of the week? Thank the NFL with a recent assist from State Farm: It's just the beginning of my happy go fun day...an I'm feelin kinda sun day...
31. How many countries have you lived in? 2 (but only if living in Oxford (which is cooler than Spain (Rigby, if you're reading this, I'm counting on you to get my back on this issue)) for a summer counts)
32. Diamonds or pearls? This was the ridiculously silly thought which compelled me to respond to this to begin with: Diamonds are a Pearl's best friend.
33. What is your favorite flower? Bloomin Onion.

Philadelphia Sports Examiner: Conference Championship Picks

2009-01-17T23:20:00.001-05:00

I look to follow up my big Divisional round rebound by conquering the Conference championship games.

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The worldwide leader in pseudofacts

2009-01-17T18:42:00.001-05:00

In case anyone hadn't heard...

2009-01-10T02:41:00.001-05:00

Brett Favre held a press conference Friday to announce he wouldn't hold a press conference to announce his eventual decision on whether to play in 2009.

*crosses fingers and prays this is the last we ever hear of Brett Favre*

Wishful everyday begins right now...

2009-01-09T23:55:00.002-05:00

Dear Andy Reid,

This is gonna be a pretty simple, pretty nice letter, not the angry ones I usually write on here. If this proves true, you do EVERYTHING to get him. You trade both of those first rounders you have, you re-sign Runyan and Thomas for a year a piece for as much money as it takes, and you line up Crabtree opposite Desean for the foreseeable future. You've just given whoever you decide will be QB after Donovan's next season on the brink a ridiculously talented, diverse WR tandem which would probably be the 2010-15 version of Smith/Muhammad, had Muhsin not skipped those couple years in the middle. I'm gonna be reminding you of this every moment from now until the draft, or at least until it becomes painfully clear that he's going in the top 3.

Love,
Andy

Philadelphia Sports Examiner: Divisional Playoff Picks

2009-01-09T14:04:00.001-05:00

More picks, probably more reason for me to be pitied. Come share in the misery :)

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Looking back on an ugly Wild Card Weekend

2009-01-08T14:23:00.001-05:00

I invite any and all ridicule, mockery and taunting as I look back at an ugly week 1 in my NFL playoff pool.

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Wild Card Weekend Picks

2009-01-03T16:29:00.001-05:00

As kickoff looms in Arizona, here are my picks and predictions for the first round of this year's NFL playoffs.

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My longest Madden win streak ever lives on!

2009-01-01T16:05:00.001-05:00

Due to this masterful tackle on 4th and goal from the 7. Yeaaaaaa
boyeeee!

There's a warm breeze in the city tonight, soft light makes every sad sight seem alright...

2008-12-28T02:17:00.003-05:00

So...hello. It's been a while. I mean, unless you count my examiner links. And given that you is really mostly the part of me which feels guilty about not updating this blog enough, and even guiltier about the fact that when I think about that the reason I keep coming to is that I don't remember how to write this way, I think it's safe to say that examiner links count for motherfuckall in this instance. So...what's up portion of subconscious which I use this space to converse with? How ya been?

...I mean, that was clearly a dead end, right? This is what I mean when I say I don't remember how to write this way...every thought which I consider posting here immediately finds its way to a dead end. Of course, I'm probably kidding myself if I try to think that my lack of attention to blogging isn't inherently connected with my inability to do so. And on that note, something I've been thinking about posting here a lot lately, and fuck the world if it isn't particularly interesting.

Things I've been wishing for lately which aren't at all appropriate for Wishful Wednesday:

The end of Ali Larter's joke of a fucking career already. Seriously. It's time.

For Watchmen to exceed my impossibly high expectations, just like the book did.

A decent reason not to sell my Wii next year. Seriously, Nintendo, watch how many casual gamers stick around as the economy collapses. You need real gamers right now.

A return to glory for 24 this season. I'll never quit on that show and I'm not sure I can enjoy another shitty season.

Stroke 9 to play the motherfucking city for once in my goddamn life. It's fucking ridiculous how long I've loved that band and never even been aware of an opportunity to see them anywhere near home.

A badass mother G.I. Joe.

Michael Phelps, Tony Hawk, A-Rod, and ESPECIALLY that AnalRapist Kobe (for those who don't know, Kobe's both an Analyst AND a Therapist in his spare time. He's quite the renaissance man.) to fall on their fucking faces in that ridiculously annoying and not to mention blatantly misrepresentative guitar hero commercial. Like, seriously, you could've just recreated the fucking scene with a song that's ACTUALLY IN THE MOTHERFUCKING GAME YOU DISHONEST PRICKS!

A Jonathon Blow game on Wii. Anyone who has played Braid surely knows exactly why I would say this. Anyone who hasn't missed out on my favorite game of 2008.

A way to go back in time and pick up Fallout 3 at launch so my expectations hadn't gotten so impossibly high for a game which I'm sure won't end up living up to them when I finally play it.

The rumored Weezer/Oasis spring tour to be a reality.

Anyone got any wishes to share? For that matter, is anyone reading this thing?

Wishful Wednesday: bring T.O. back to Philly

2008-12-24T22:16:00.001-05:00

Leave it to the "lonely jew on Christmas" to go off the deep end. This week, I'm wishing for T.O. to spend 2009 in an Eagles uniform.

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Wishful Wednesday: believe it or not, more NFL assistants

2008-12-17T13:15:00.001-05:00

This week, I wish for NFL teams to employ a "game management" coach, whose job it is to prevent miscues regarding timeouts, challenges, personnel packages, etc. Essentially, I think NFL coaches need the equivalent of MLB bench coaches.

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What to watch for in tonight's Browns-Eagles game

2008-12-15T14:20:00.001-05:00

Preview, prediction for tonight's game.

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Wishful Wednesday: Leave the gun, take the cannoli

2008-12-03T12:19:00.001-05:00

I go a bit outside the sports box this week to wish for something I'm always wishing for: gun control.

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Wishful Wednesday: more rivalry weeks, please!

2008-11-26T11:42:00.001-05:00

This Wishful Wednesday, I'm wishing for rivalry week to be expanded into other sports.

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Drove the Eagles to the goal line but the goal was denied...

2008-11-24T13:23:00.002-05:00

I would love to sit here today and bitch and moan about Andy Reid's idiocy. The goal line futility. The lack of a fullback. The decision to jettison T.O. The refusal to use Buck or Baskett or Avant or Celek. The fact that Schobel and Considine and G-Lew still have jobs. But Doc Terry and the Greystone Ramblers do a better job than I would, and they do it in song! I give you "Andy Reid Bye:"

McNabb gets Bledsoed as Eagles lose in Baltimore

2008-11-23T17:38:00.001-05:00

Andy Reid channeled Bill Parcells in benching Donovan McNabb today in Baltimore, much like the end of Drew Bledsoe's tenure as Dallas QB.

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You called down the thunder, well now you've got it!

2008-11-19T14:15:00.003-05:00

Dear Mascot Formerly Known as Raymond,

You got what you fucking deserved. First of all, as the mascot for a team which has absolutely no fans and has to resort to giving out cowbells to get the few poor schmucks stuck with free Rays tickets to make a minimal amount of bullshit noise, you obviously didn't do a very good job. But much more importantly, for you, as a self-respecting member of the mascot community, to even repeat such a sentiment as that you "out-enthused" the Phillie Phanatic is grounds to be barred from ever donning an oversized feathered suit again. You're a disgrace to your former profession and you will not, by any stretch of the imagination be missed. Until, of course, the Rays start to blow again early next season and the stands are empty. But until then, good fucking riddance. Perhaps now you'll have time to watch footage of the green giant from the Galapagos Islands in action, and realize you were never in the same league.

Love,
Mgmt.

Wishful Wednesday II: Muzzle McNabb

2008-11-19T12:18:00.001-05:00

In this week's wish, I beg for Donovan to shut his mouth, pronto.

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Does the NFL need shootouts?

2008-11-16T17:43:00.001-05:00

The other day, I was on the fence regarding NHL overtime. Today I'm not on the fence: NFL overtime sucks footballs. Here's how to fix it.

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John Lynch is a moron

2008-11-14T14:37:00.008-05:00

Dear John,

While I concede you had a very accomplished NFL career, full of accolades and the adoration of millions of fans nationwide, I've never liked you one fucking bit. Even before you were the worst "good" player on a great Bucs defense which shattered my optimism for all eternity, I thought were an overrated cockstain whose reputation was built on a handful of bonecrunching hits and ignored the fairly high frequency with which you attempted to knock a dude's head off and just bounced right off of him. That said, I was perfectly happy to acknowledge that you deserved to be in the hall of fame the other day. However, if you want to retire as both a Buc and a Bronco I have no choice but to view the two John Lynches as separate, distinct individuals, neither of whom warrants consideration for a bust in Canton. Enjoy your life of solitude without the Hall, sucka!

Love,
Mgmt.

Is it time to blow away the NHL shootout?

2008-11-14T14:16:00.001-05:00

Whining after Thursday's Flyers shootout loss (making them 8 for 28 all time in shootouts) is rampant among Flyers fans. I pose the question as to whether or not shootouts should meet the firing squad. You might be surprised at my answer.

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Wishful Wednesdays: Fire Andy Reid

2008-11-12T10:23:00.001-05:00

The first edition of a new weekly feature I'll be doing at examiner.com.

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Dear World: learn to fucking read

2008-11-12T02:27:00.004-05:00

To everyone who has flamed my Examiner article about Baseball Prospectus, including the one whose comment I deleted today: read the fucking article before you miss the point. I never said stats aren't an accurate representation of what happened IN THE PAST or that they're useless, or even that they don't aid in making an educated guess at the future. I just pointed out that while predicting what will happen over the course of a baseball season always ends up boiling down to a crap shoot, fivethirtyeight.com made political predictions an actual science. Stop acting like I dissed your beloved Nate Silver. All I said is that if they need to be prognosticating, they should perhaps find a field they have a better chance of predicting accurately.

Love,
Mgmt.

Giants @ Eagles real time reactions

2008-11-09T20:35:00.001-05:00

My live commentary/chat thread for tonight's huge NFC East battle.

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Plays that make me say wow

2008-11-06T16:18:00.001-05:00

I'm doing my best not to go back to being Nega-delphian, so here's a youtube-enhanced list of my favorite jaw-dropping plays.

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Advice for Baseball Prospectus: Stick to Politics

2008-11-05T16:34:00.001-05:00

Baseball Prospectus would have you believe they're better at predicting the future than others are. They aren't, but their own Nate Silver might be on to something.

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Ding dong, the moron's gone!

2008-11-05T14:58:00.001-05:00

Steve Smith has been phired as Phils' third base coach! Woohoooo! Will Pat the Bat be the next one out the door?

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Some bad iPhone pictures I just took of the masses gathered in Union Square

2008-11-05T01:39:00.010-05:00

We passed the collective retard test!

2008-11-05T00:33:00.001-05:00

For the first time in my adult life, tonight I am proud of my country. And no longer concerned I might need to make plans to move the fuck out of it. May the next four years do nothing to diminish the sense of awe you instill in all of us, Mr. President-elect.

And people call us crass...

2008-10-31T23:57:00.003-04:00

Needless to say, I fucking loved this shit. Kudos to the700level for the link, and to Chase for channeling the thought every Phan has had since Wednesday night and screaming it on the biggest stage possible. Now that he's done it twice, I can officially call him Chase "Fuck"ley:

Phinally phree: what the World Series meant to me

2008-10-30T14:08:00.001-04:00

My examiner piece about the Phils winning it all.

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Tonight I kept my promise

2008-10-29T22:55:00.004-04:00

Suck it, Joe Carter! I burned your head off!

Years ago, two of my best friends gave me this as a birthday present.

2008-10-29T22:55:00.003-04:00

I called them assholes, put it in my wallet, and promised to burn it the night we finally got one.

It ain't a cliche to me. I've waited my whole life for this blog post.

2008-10-29T22:36:00.001-04:00

Because I'm four innings late posting the link

2008-10-27T21:52:00.001-04:00

And I sincerely doubt anyone's been clicking them. 15 more outs, 2-1 Phils. It ends tonight.

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You think I was in a silly mood last week?

2008-10-27T14:32:00.002-04:00

Six hours till first pitch. The best pitcher I've watched in a Phillies uniform on the mound. It ends tonight.

One more win

2008-10-27T00:09:00.003-04:00

It's still surreal to me, which is why I'm so happy to have an indelible record of so much of this postseason run. I may well forego live-blogging tomorrow night in favor of being able to watch the game in Philly with Radnor, because it just has to be that way. But this could very well be the last night of something I've known for as long as I can remember. And as much as I tend to resist change, I'm not the slightest bit apprehensive about this one. Here's hoping the Phils aren't either. Cole takes the mound tonight looking to stake his claim to the greatest postseason a starting pitcher has ever had. Jimmy leads off tonight looking to make good on his promise to Larry Bowa to put the mark on CBP that Bowa and his Phillies left on the vet. 27 outs from a night we've all waited for for far too long.

Because game 3 was a motherfrakking epic and you wanna know how it was in the stands.

2008-10-26T19:16:00.001-04:00

My live commentary thread for tonight's World Series game 4. Includes my reactions to game 3, which I attended.

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Because I'm gonna be live-blogging again

2008-10-23T15:06:00.001-04:00

And I'd still love for anyone and everyone to come on by.

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I feel obligated to post about the Phils

2008-10-23T01:18:00.003-04:00

But the truth is, there's nothing left for me to say about this team except for one thing: win or lose, the 2008 Phillies are the best team to play in Philadelphia in my life. If they can play .500 ball over six games, they'll be World Champions, but their performance on this stage, even if only for one game, trumps anything any of the other teams have done. If they don't finish the job, it will be because Tampa comes back and proves they're even better, because as of now, there is no doubting of the Phillies left to be done. They're not perfect, but they're good enough to win a World Series. That's a feeling I'm just not accustomed to feeling. Why can't us?

Because I'd really love if some peoeple kept me company online during tonight's game.

2008-10-22T15:58:00.001-04:00

And I'll be talking to myself for all posterity even if they don't.

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Because I'm trying to be more web 2.0 so I'm posting my examiner stories via digg. Digg them!

2008-10-22T13:56:00.001-04:00

And I've written a more realistic preview/prediction than the one posted on Monday.

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God I love the internet...

2008-10-22T01:07:00.004-04:00

Not that it's surprising, but the Flyin Hawaiian is as pumped as I am, and it does make me truly giddy to read it. Game day is here, baby. Come on back around noon tomorrow for a link to my World Series preview at examiner. Until then, one more silly song for my silly mood:

"They're like characters in a Springsteen song..."

2008-10-21T15:02:00.003-04:00

This article offers up easily the funniest and most accurate description I can remember of the Phillies fan. Who'd have thought it would come from the Wall Street Journal? Kudos, as always, to the700level for finding it first.

Since the moment I woke up today, this is all I've been able to think:

2008-10-21T13:05:00.002-04:00

Because I like being funny more than I like being analytical

2008-10-20T16:28:00.001-04:00

And "why can't us?" is as valid a take on the World Series as any other.

It's either gonna be an exorcism or a collective nervous breakdown of an entire city...

2008-10-19T23:43:00.001-04:00

It's always fuckin Tampa.

It's only a fabrication, this place is all in my head

2008-10-17T14:23:00.004-04:00

My last post, when I first conceived of it, was going to be about how, on the same night as I tasted the pure, unbridled joy of baseball fandom at its best for the first time in 15 years, I also experienced the similar joy of seeing old friends for the first time in ages. In this case, in eight years, the vast majority of which were spent with regrettably little contact at all. But then I kinda got caught up in the Phils and forgot. It was strange seeing people from Dwight, though in entirely different ways than I'd imagined. Turns out, even when around my friends from high school, I've either grown out of my awkward phase or grown to love it or a little of both, but whatever the case, I was more in my element with them than I ever remember being. Given how detached I felt from a lot of what went on in my Dwight days, it really shocked me how much it felt like going home having a beer with that crowd on the upper west side. Suffice it to say, the Phils alone would've made that a night I'd remember for a long, long time, but the hours of drunken reminiscing which followed made it truly special. As always, life reminds me that the only thing I'll ever really know is that everything I think I know is subject to change, and that's the way I love it. I <3 entropy.

I smile when I think about it...

2008-10-17T02:58:00.003-04:00

It's been over 24 hours now since it became reality, and I cannot deny, it's still hitting me. It probably doesn't hurt that I'm listening to WIP, but even just hangin out with Michelle, watching Heroes earlier, my thoughts would drift away for a few minutes, and eventually, I'd remember, and I wouldn't be able to help but have a giant grin on my face. The Phils are in the World fucking Series. It's unbelievable, and it was worth every bit of the wait. This week is going to be unbearably slow, but it's gonna be a great week, too. I'm gonna do my best to savor the slowness, to cherish the anticipation, because that's usually the best part. Every heartbreaking loss, every embarassing loss, every devastating injury, every star player who ran himself out of town, it's all been leading us back to this, and it makes this all the sweeter. If the Rays manage to bounce back from tonight's epic, epic fail and give us one final shot at dignity before the phanbase is forced to just bend over and call the city of Tampa daddy, the tidbit I'm about to mention will probably be one of the angles played up most in this series: the last time the Phils did this, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays were still two years from being awarded as an expansion franchise. In fact, until literally this year, the most notable thing the Rays had ever done was trade Bobby Abreu to the Phillies for Kevin Stocker on expansion draft day.

2008-10-15T23:40:00.001-04:00

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!